Friday, June 19, 2009

Stayed in bed till 2pm today.

Don't know what i'm doing.

watching anime now.

--unpublished chronicles 19/06/2009

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Occassional insecurity...

Hello all, how have you all been my fellow readers?

I've had a very relaxing week at work this time round, pretty much after Wednesday we just cruised in and out. All the important decommission and the pullback projects have been scheduled and completed.

Just while I was on the all famous time-wasting utility, namely facebook, I found a rather interesting (and geeky) quiz to take. I'm sure most of you have already spent more than you wanted to on those stupid quizzes, but this "What periodic element are you?" quiz has rather interesting questions. First few were just your simple facts like whether or not you liked live music, how you react to change, what types of clothes/shoes you wear, how you handle your finances... then came this question which struck my head like a short-circuit in a light bulb.

here it is...

~People like you because...

1. You are so unpredictable.
2. You are dependable, they can always count on you.
3. You're funny, witty and can come up with quips faster than they can.
4. Your outlook on life is enviable.
5. You've bailed them out of difficult situations many times. You've even saved the lives of many.
6. Can you define the word "like"?
7. You've proven yourself a good friend many times over.
8. You are the object of their ridicule and you just sit there and take it and it doesn't bother you.

...And I was stuck, simply didn't know what to pick.

Surely this may seem like another one of my overreactions on a simple quiz which i could've randomly clicked on the most obscure answer, but this really did raise some very good questions and reminded me how I see myself in people's eyes.

For me this personal image thing is very important, but more important than that is to know how people feel towards my character, my integrity and personality. I am always thrown into dissarray as I believe I have a very erratic behaviour in terms of mood swings and the word that come firing out of my mouth.

1. You are so unpredictable.
For some friends, I think number 1 would definitely apply. Maybe even at home, ha.

2. You are dependable, they can always count on you.
Number 2 I hope is the most prevalent amongst the people who are around me. I believe this is the reason that most people can like me for at work in the least aspect.

3. You're funny, witty and can come up with quips faster than they can.
Number 3 seems to only apply to some people... I've never been under the belief that I was a funny or witty person. More often than not I would get a lot of "omg lame" stares as well as disapproving retorts even from friends who I hold dear. I'd think usually this lack of humour and extreme bad jokes deter a lot of people from starting a friendship with me. While there are somes out there who think I am ridiculously funny, I'd have to say this is just their unique opinion about me.

4. Your outlook on life is enviable.
Now number 4 is a hard one haha. I personally believe most people see me as rather independant in a lot of things I do. I'm organised enough to be academically equipped to get to class, take notes and then return above average results. Some people have always congradtulated me on how I am able to hold out on not spending money and saving it all up. I think I may have picked this one up from my dad. I guess the only thing that is really worth emo'ing about in my life is a lack of a girlfriend, haha. I'm academically capable, not entirely obese to the point where I am in a health crisis, not poor to the point where I can't enjoy luxuries or share the same interests and participate in activities/going out. I have a complete and loving family and caring brother who I almost never have qualms with. I am obedient to my parents but also loyal to my friends (as in how I'm not a rebel but I don't dob on friends either... but i will reprimand them). Generally speaking I am a pretty happy and simple person, with low expectations with life comes fewer worries, I guess that part is enviable? Also I have a feeling this has to do with why people voted that I would be a better father than most in the comparing app on facebook... LOL

5. You've bailed them out of difficult situations many times. You've even saved the lives of many.
TBH, I would be totally and utterly jealous of anyone who can truly and full-heartedly click on this answer without being unfaithful or untruthful to themselves. This might possibly what I am aiming towards, BUT! BUT I have just let people down too many times. Far too many. It's these events and things which people remember most about. All those peaceful days where you helped people out with simple tasks just gets forgotten or at least moved to the back of their heads in their sub-conciousness. I personally want to be able to save a life with my own two hands before the day I die, it would be such a great honour and morally satisfying to do so.

6. Can you define the word "like"?
EMO-TRAIN APPROACHING! Naw, just kidding. I have no questions, but I definitely have a feeling that whilst people "like" me to be my friend, I have a very weak belief that anyone would really see me as one of their cloesest friends. I haven't been that involved with any of my friends as much as I would to be able to call them extremely close friends. Well that is just my perspective of the external view of myself. I believe I treat each of my friendships with care and abudnant amount of trust. I would hardly ever willingly break or avoid a friend, even if I haven't been hanging around them or seeing them for a long time. I for one believe in that all friendships should be kept, just "for old time's sake". For this same reason that I have stated above, I am afraid of planning my 21st birthday... haven't even decided whether I should have a party or not yet... because I'm just scared... too scared that nobody would be willing to be up there to make a speech for me... not their fault, just my fault for not hanging out with people much.

EDIT: Prolly also useful to add that I reckon I don't deserve to be called a close friend, due to the lack of time that i spend around them... but for me out of sight is not out of mind. Living example is how I still keep in touch with a childhood friend who now lives on the opposite side of the earth. I also still send b'day sms's to ppl who never reply but i do it every year xP.

7. You've proven yourself a good friend many times over.
I hope this is another strong reason as to why people like me. At least from the serious point of view, I come across as "some goody-2-shoes, who will never betray you!" (hehe that rhymes). I think I have strong beliefs in my own set of morals and will rarely budge from the ground which I stand on. When people come to me for help to either find some file on the net, fix some computer, solve a math equation, help them read over their reports, or just discussion in general, I'm always willing to provide a rational response (though sometimes a more intellectual friend might be shooting down my points as I'm not articulate enough =P, I don't hate them for it, just makes me feel dumb) and hopefully cheer them up by the end of the day. I absolutely wouldn't mind being a motivator for people, giving them the push that they need through the power of idealistic words (which i truly believe in, as opposed to being harsh and realistic). On the rare occassion I have ACCIDENTALLY let some things slip from my lips which I was not meant to, but even then I managed to apologize with my sincerity... so I'm definitely a trustworthy guy! If you somehow manage to get me to verbally promise you something you can mark my words here and now that I will carry out through it. I don't usually promise people things unless I know I can absolutely uphold my end of the bargain - But if I ever do tell you I promise, I do promise.

8. You are the object of their ridicule and you just sit there and take it and it doesn't bother you.
This is exactly what caused me to pause at the question. Not because it was so hard to pick which was the most believeable one (prolly no.2 tbh) but because I have another feeling (maybe a bad one?) that this might be the real answer. I really do not want to believe it. But in a way this option does sound rather glorified if you take it from the angle that you are the one sacrificial lamb that will save mankind. If there is such interpretation, I probably won't mind being the unnoticed and unrewarded saviour of the world. I say that I don't like attention, but I probably do like it. Still, the sheet thought of being able to achieve something big, even with the tragic end to cutting my life short, I am willing to do. It is true and common that in my closest of groups I do get bagged quite a lot. I know they are all jokes and games but sometimes I just do wonder, what if I am so awkward and mentally retarded that everyone's just being nice to me because I'm inferior? I hope not. I really do hope that everyone has an equal amount of "substance" distributed uniquely across their individual traits and experiences. What I mean is, maybe people who are more ambitious would have a shorter life time or not me as trustworthy. Someone who is successful in love, career and finance might have had their own pressures and bad experiences in their early life. Etc, etc. I have noticed that recently I have a slow reaction, I think slow, but I'm able to perservere at something longer than most people. Maybe due to this, with ample time and effort, I can deliver greater results than most?


Anyhow my daily self pondering is over, hopefully you loyal readers can give me some insight, because your opinion does matter, but i'm not all ready to change myself drastically even if you do tell me you'd pick number 8 for me. =P I am who I am and I am content, proud and smiling.


EDIT: haha what i meant was what am I seen as by you guys? which of these do you think apply to me / apply to me the most :P? cheers.

V.Ma signing out~