Superfluous Solitude

Round 3: Tutti!

2011-11-15T05:03:00.000-08:00

16/11/2011,

This will become a major milestone in the future when looking back upon the past successes of lifetimes. May this final score movement to the sonata of the academy finish up in a grand and boisterous motion!

Mental note: write up achievements list

..........AND SO IT HAS ENDED! FK YEAH!!!!!!! lol!

My personal achievement list:
√ 33 Exams
√ Ate all the fried chicken on campus
√ Ate all the pizza on campus
√ Met a person from every faculty
√ Wasted first year in the pool room + point blank
√ Lost and found USB again
√ Rocked up to exam without ID card and wallet
√ Left exam 1 hour early
√ Went through highschool without getting a single non-whole-class detention
√ Never wagged a class all through to the end of high school
√ Stayed and crashed overnight in Bld 26 Labs
√ Taught, and been taught in the same uni
√ Carpooled with Dad to uni(LOL)
√ Travelled to uni via my own car, friend's car, bus 742/737/the huntingdale one, walked by feet from wellington/springvale
√ Joined uni clubs of academic, social, activity types
√ Played violin in front of menzies (although very quiet) and up in grain express
√ Bought salt and spicy fish and ate with friend's rice
√ had epic pumpkin soup on campus
√
√ ... to be continued

Round 2: FIGHT

2011-11-14T15:48:00.001-08:00

Professor GAY vs Student

*Plays guile's theme*

EDIT:

MASTER GAY THREE HUNDRED MARK EXAM???

Also forgot my wallet at an exam for the first time, thought i would get ousted rofl but it all went well towards the end.

10 minutes left: everyone was racing and turning pages and scribbling

Round 1: IKUZEE

2011-11-13T04:36:00.001-08:00

ALRIGHT LET'S DO THIS!

MAD SPRINT FOR THE LAST TIME!

Trusty Bag + Jacket, please work wonders!

lulz

2011-11-12T00:29:00.001-08:00

OMG. I SEE IT. I CAN SEE IT NOW!

129

2011-11-07T20:00:00.001-08:00

...Hours left

.
.
.
.

EEP!

Potential idea...?

2011-11-06T03:11:00.000-08:00

Dear world,

I thought about this the other day - what if someone designed a way to "store" the compliments coming from others and able to release them day by day to you and not 'expending' it all in one go, wouldn't everyone be able to stay happy and positive and confident for a much longer time?

Lest we forget.

2011-11-04T03:29:00.000-07:00

In honour of the ongoing tradition for remembering the valiant efforts of the men (+women) of past. Dont' forget to drop by your local shopping centre and buy a poppy from a veteran/their family members!

In relation to this topic, I must say I love reminiscing, to the point that even while looking back at failures of life it feels enjoyable.

Overhearing mum's talk with my aunt commenting on my relationship status was not comforting. Seems she has mighty expectations of me in that I am not incapable of getting into a relationship, oh dear how she will be disappoitned.

Sorry my fellow readers, but while I am over the whole girl hate/rage phase I have to say it feels as if I was using that as an excuse to shield myself away from this relationship business. At a recent gathering with friends all was going well, jolly jokes and friendly and hilarious doodles all across walls, smashing down american honey and eating lots of chicken wings - life just couldn't be better, until the realisation that there is certain truth pertaining to jokes that people make.

Of notice one of the cartoons someone drew was a troll-face of "forever alone" and some captions of "that guy will never get a girlfriend" So I thought about this: the reason why people joke about certain things is because they intrinsicly believe in the joke's inner truth, but are too afraid of hurting others in saying it.

I asked another friend while in a drunken state why "they" drew things like that, and I was told because they enjoy my reaction towards it. My reaction is: I'm not mad at anyone, I really am - even though I feel sad as it is yet another reminder of one of the areas in life which I failed continuously at.

Certain friends play the "encouraging" card and try to persuade me to go back into "the game" but I gotta say, I've come to understand a few things about my core character and personality that absolutely do not work with the current social state of the dating market.

I am not an Extrovert - meaning I don't enthusiastically go out of my way to talk to girls at generic places where they get "picked up"
My appreciation of reviewing the past and immersing myself with reminiscence will keep me firmly stationed at the friend zone and I can't move on
My firm belief of helping people in need no matter who they are or what benefit/cost it is to me concretely locks me into the role of "sideline guy"
OK this one's a mystery to me as I don't poke my nose into this topic and it's just purely embarassing to talk about - I don't really share the same urges of the whole "sex" thing, different sources have given me different impressions on how young people operate in relationships relating to sex but I have no idea as I come from the conservative race of Asians.
I simply can't have extended conversations with poeple over a continuous contact of over 6 or 7 hours. I NEED A BREAK from them. Heh, so much for thinking I'm good at commitment.
My instinct is to place myself in first priority, dead centre of attention - as such, I probably can't take care of the other half or project that selfless role needed in a relationship
I always start my meetings with people on a pure and natural friendship - apparently females sort guys out into the potential/friendzone types straight away, which means I'll always been in the friend zone
I am cheap. and proud of it! - major turn off as I have heard, sorry but this ain't changing because I get enjoyment out of being cheap. I want people to know that however a conundrum exists because I am willing to spend every last dollar and my sweat and blood and dedicate all my time to a person - only if they prove worthy of it and I can be sure of that. I guess the world doesn't work like that. Have to risk losing that money to check whether they are the worthy one, lol.

I'm not being entirely emo about this - just analysing the profile from 3rd person.

Some chick friends say all these things (dw I'm not into them so it's not utmost tragic) like "oh you're so nice" and "you're husband material" - honestly all a load of crap lol. They don't know what I am like, how ignorant these females are. All I can give is honesty, moral uptightness, a little bit of humour, complete and utter loyalty (if it ever gets to the stage), financial security, sense of responsibility and duty, family-focused mentality and crazy geek passions. I won't have any height, muscle or fashion sense though.

I looked back at some old archives of what happened last time - I have to say I am so disgusted at myself for what I have done, I was stupid, being an idiot, completely ignorant and unaware of the things as I got blinded hard by my head-over-heels state. Anyways, that's the last we will see of it - sorry to disappoint mum, but I can't guarantee you grandchildren - you'll have to look to your other more useful son for that.

Stuck in IT.

2011-09-06T02:45:00.000-07:00

Oh maaaaaaaaan. After all that's happened I thought I had improved. Darn banks, why have you have all upped your standards so high? What does it take to punch through into the industry?

Kind Regards,

Wishful Finance Graduate.

Subjugated Interactions

2011-09-04T00:31:00.001-07:00

So after some question posting and busying myself with some TVB episodes, I acquired an urge to write a small post.

How is it wrong to keep helping and be nice to a person even though your intention has changed since the beginning? I understand that from another's perspective that I am "being used", but does that make it justified if I am simply cool with it? How is this different from helping the people who you meet which you became good friends with?

Why must the "past" always be there to haunt us in the future? Why can't people see and understand that times have changed and the interaction is now different to before? Or are human beings just truly nostalgic creatures who will always be affected by past emotions and memories?

But also a good question to ask myself is, "why do you still bother?"

I came up with the proposal that maybe I want to show the world that I am not that type of realistic person who will stop doing nice things for people even though my interest in them has ceased, especially if it's the opposite gender. I don't think of it as a practical "benefits" vs "cost" thing, it's just a uni-directional love of helping people and leaving as many positive memories for people as long as I can before my time on this Earth runs out. I feel this is a very bad attitude, we can change this. I want to hold that innocence tightly, and hope people don't look down on me or speak ill of me.

Sure, my decision may deem me the "loser" of the struggle, but in the end, as long as we are happy with our lives and can be responsible of our actions, there really isn't any shame.

1 bps = $24????

2011-08-29T02:35:00.000-07:00

Fock. Marking to market and excel spreadsheets. wtf you ask us to calculate a value in the column by subtracting a cell from 100? after that what's the use of it? goddam your vagueness! WHY IS THERE NO MARGIN CALL?!?! need more basis points.

nooooooooooooooooooooooo

I must be doing wrong.

Damn it's due Friday.

EDIT:

2/3 of assignment done... well actually more like 1/3 since the last part is a bitch/monster to do... HEDGING FUTURE CONTRACTS ARGH. DAMN YOU S&P/ASX200!!!!!

Time Limit

2011-08-22T06:21:00.000-07:00

Life is short and wonderful. It teaches many lessons, of what is wrong and right, of what is good and bad. It also shows us what we are proficient at, and other areas which we are not.

People were born with dreams and hopes for everything, but as we journey and travel through time, we realise we some of these dreams may not be fulfilled - but we don't give up on life, we merely re-shape our ideals and ambitions so that we can live in another purposeful way, keeping that flaming spirit burning brightly from within. It is a sad true fact that I have progressively discarded goal upon goal to reach my current state of progress, but on the bright side, I have fewer things to focus on and more energy to invest into those few things - hopefully being able to outperform others.

It is sad that in life there exists "opportunity cost", but in the end what was missed out does not matter - the only things that matter is what you have done, what achievements you have made, and by what standard of integrity you were able to keep with the people who exist in your life. As mentioned before, I do hope I can channel my sweat and blood into the increasingly small number of things I potential left to excel in. Hopefully I can outperform others in the few things that I do best - at least I won't end up as a jack of all trades.

From my younger years, I used to have different goals and targets in life. But now I have changed, some call it being cynical, some call it growing up and maturing towards this life of "realism". The notion that I die alone is no longer an impossibility - as unfair as the statistics show, I may die younger by a significant amount of years - but that doesn't matter. I have long accepted the ideal of natural selection: if I die earlier, then that means I have fulfilled my role at that point in time and the world no longer needs me. This is not to say that I am going to throw away my life, I will still live on resiliently, reaching for the stars, going out to bring "Net Positive" to society. Even if the life I lead will be short, at least it will be a productive and meaningful life.

Even within a shorter Time Limit, I hope to do greater things and provide a greater net return to society than others who may live a longer life.

FOREVER ALONE

2011-08-18T03:54:00.000-07:00

So I was like just "flicking" (I should say scrolling actually) through some facebook photos from the beginning of my account which people have tagged me and a thought just came to mind. As you all know I am one of those cases of "forever alone" in terms of relationships but I can see some light in this position is that whenever I see all these old photos, I harbour absolutely no hard feelings whatsoever. In fact, I can kinda just look at them with a smile on my face or burst out laughing at my ridiculousness from all the stupid things I did. I'm glad I haven't (at least to my knowledge) turned any of my friendships sour. So maybe it's just me and my different perspective.

O.K.

Better get back to studying!

Special people!

2011-07-11T20:11:00.000-07:00

In NO PARTICULAR ORDER (I stress) I'd like to make some proud announcements and declare some sincere thanks for people who have taught me what seems like insignificant lessons but I have remembered DEARLY.

1. Mum for passing on genes and upbringing to prevent a future of complete poverty :)
2. Dad for providing a mould for me to inherit the spirit of "altruism" and the way of "enlightenment"
3. The one and only "Bro" for pointing out how I was selfish and bringing awareness to me about others and also acting as an awesome inspiration for the word "generosity"
4. PDN for opening up the adventurous world out there for me and granting me the chance to meet so many amazing people
5. Momotsuki for lecturing me on many things harshly including not driving off immediately after dropping off a friend
6. noutenki for reminding me about the lessons of humility and manners, as well as the lesson of being indecisive will cost me
7. "the hulk" for teaching me priorities in helping people and committment
8. impactaoi for challenging me in things that I say and teaching me to be more careful or research more before claiming things
9. koodawg for showing me how to be epic in owning people
10. the L.O.L (or ex L.O.L) for being a fackn realist and troll, teaching me the tricks of the trade
11. "mini" for proving that I have the ability to make someone laugh and that I am likeable
12. kindy for raising up issues with my principles in dealing with people and pointing out the flaws of being "by the book"
13. limbert for the relevations of the "deeper and darker sides" of friendship circles
14. malex for the opportunity to challenge friendship and withstand the test of time and test of distance
15. sandroid for giving me the chance to meet someone unique and genuine and understanding and provide a different perspective on things
16. pjays, cc, and many others for reminding me appropriate ways to treat females (lol)
17. SGJ for pointing me in the right direction in conflict resolution and the darker side of relationships
18. to the sheilas out there whom I have disappointed, thank you for giving me the experience to learn something rewarding and important that will stay with me for the rest of my life
19. yeye for being the mighty steed that radiates out pride, strength and endurance and passed on the lesson of tackling the issue not the person
20. dawei for the epic pep talks and the "5 second rule"

+ there are many more out there, and it will be realistically too long to write it all down, but just want to let you all out there know that i take you all seriously and I take on board with me what you all have given me, even the slightest, most minute details of life.

Thank you all for being wonderful people who have consistently and continuously pushed me bit by bit, day by day, inch by inch, and allowing me to evolve beyond the person I was in each prior moment! Little by little I advance a bit further with each turn! and just like how a drill works, will one day PIERCE THE HEAVENS!

*cue Happily Ever After - TTGL*

Grace Period

2011-07-09T04:38:00.000-07:00

Ok so my friend Grace just had her birthday party, but this post is more so about a period of peaceful times that I am able to immerse myself in.

Feel so good because:

No pressure
No obligations
No committments
Can waste time like however I wish - BEST FEELING EVER
Reminiscing good times
Feeling VERY lucky and fortunate to be in my current position
EXCITED about next semester's units (yes i'm a huge nerd)

Few things on my mind however:

My patience is being tested (in putting up with people, god i'm anal)
Getting lazy with my greatest enemy - EXERCISE
Do I need to start hopping back into the game/scene soon? (still feeling bitter about it though, and honestly feels like a waste of time)
What do people REALLY think about me? (though I try to think the best of people, am I just a bother?)
Am I being more and more of a contradiction to what I claim myself to be?
Might rage quit job soon hahahaha!
How can I get the extra 20%? Not just stop at 80% (yep, words stolen from a friend) I WANT TO MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY! but i'm friggin lazy lol

Attrition

2011-07-01T18:49:00.001-07:00

Today I realised something very important:

3 strikes and you're out - no, sometimes 2 strikes is all it takes to lose a good friend.

I am so ignorant.

*Depressed*

I Cannot Sleep

2011-05-31T12:07:00.001-07:00

Dear readers, (if there are any left still out there)

I am confused, cold, afraid, troubled, conflicted, worrying.

Words from a friend which I weigh heavily when hearing opinions has completely knocked me off balance.

I only obtained some good news this morning (technically last night) but now I'm feeling compeltely distressed instead. I don't know what to do. I don't want to step into the wrong path, not even one step. I don't want to waste time. I need counsel. I don't have much time to make this decision. ARGH!

I just want to yell out REALLY LOUDLY or play my violin with huge pressure on the bow and just grind it, but alas, it's late at night and everyone is sound asleep.

Reality check:

* CFA exam in 4 days, fudge.
* I have to contact some ppl tmr, argh.
* It is currently way too cold, i'm gonna get frostbite...?
* This decision is due in 6 days

Sorry yet another negative post, many people in my position would be overjoyed, wtf is wrong with me? WHY AM I FEELING SO confused and lost?

I wanted to reach for the stars and one day touch them. Right now I'm stuck between decisions that I don't know where they will lead to. I'm afraid that I will have wasted more time and need to take yet another detour to ultimately reach my goal. Why is it taking so long? Why am I not being successful on the first try? I am over-achieving, I stand out, I strive to work hard, is this the stupid thing called fate? Throughout the last few months I've come to realise some of these ordeals are related to elements of "fate" but I still refuse to admit I'm a weakling. Why am I only getting the same amount of recognition when I clearly have done more in the past? Where's my reward for that? Surely I may be asking for too much.

Save me... another friend's suggestion isn't working... I can't meditate... I'm only thinking more and more...

ARGH. ><!

Why am I so indecisive on my own?

Curious Thought - Social Politics

2011-03-21T21:26:00.000-07:00

Few things that came across my mind as of recent (though have always really been appearing from time to time):

Social Politics (Especially in friendships)
Fickleness
Lack of commitment to words (i.e. dismissing things easily)
People using and abusing others via words (don't take me for an idiot)

Like I sometimes feel I am either too tolerant or do not take notice of the internal disputes and dislikes within friendship circles. When people reveal to me about these things I am really surprised.

Am I just too optimistic? =D If so I would rather stay the tolerant way I am. Sure we all make crude jokes, but saying them behind someone's back and fully meaning it is really really bad. We must be fair with our comments. How do people get ticked off so easily by all these things? lol, grow up you kids.

I really do believe in talking straight all the time and not needing to make up excuses to people. If only everyone could be honest and straight, that would make the world a much, much better place.

All these "behind the scenes" acts is so silly, trivial, immature and childish. Only say things if you mean them. Heck - if you're gonna snob someone, snob them completely and boldly. Some of you out there know you are committing these moral crimes out there and should just admit you are doing such things and do it full-heartedly.

For those of you out there who are true to yourself, massive THUMBS UP to you! Let's keep this world clean and free of lies and deceit!

Feelings are... 110 million (over 9000)

2010-10-24T18:15:00.000-07:00

Everyone is dying. Each day we are getting nearer and nearer to death. This illness is called "time". There is something chases us - everytime we confront it and fight it head on it runs away from us. We can even wait for it to come and try to grab hold of it but it escapes it. It's call time.

"Time. As I am making this speech, time is ticking away. One by one, grains of sand are passing through an hourglass. Bit by bit, the hand of a clock is moving slowly. So does time exist? Of course it does. Does it ever end? I don't know. Is time important to me? Yes. Is time important to you...?

Time can be used to earn money from work, create unforgettable memories which we treasure and also developing relationships with people. Time is important because it is the sole component to change which can be good or bad. Can you magine what the world would be like if time didn't pass? The television screen would never flicker; the soccer ball that's been kicked would never reach its goal.

There was once a Chinese saying, "One strand of time yields one bar of gold, but one bar of gold cannot buy a strand of time" and it explains how time can be used to produce money, but the money produced from time cannot be used to buy time back. So is time more important than money? We need money to survive and indulge ourselves and we also need time to earn the money. We can't waste all our time working for money, nor can we not spend a single drop of time into working, therefore we must need a balance between the two.

A lot of people today take time for granted because they think they will always have enough of it. Was there any point in your life when you wished you had more time to do something? Did you ever wish that you could go back in time and change something?

Time is a very important object, too mysterious to comprehend and yet too simple to transform. We spend time without thinking in our daily lives. It is not apparent to us that we spend time playing sports, enjoying our hobbies, going out with friends and socialising. We also spend time when we watch television, finishing some homework that's due tomorrow and revising for exams.

In many areas of society today, time is a crucial component to being successful. Examples are usch as the world's athletes competing against the time for sprinting, cycling, swimming. A pack of instant noodles tells us how much time it needs to be filled with boiling water till it is cooked. Mobile phone calls are timed, and the longer the call is, the more money it costs. Everyday, everywhere, time exists in watch faces and clocks and they could even be used to time my speech right now.

Without time, things cannot change. There would not be any advancement, or any progress. Without time, seeds of life may not grow into great trees and a baby would never develop into an adult to experience the world. Time is very important as it can accomplish many things that cannot be exchanged with money.

We must realise that we, as humans, only have a limited amount of time. With that being said, we must make sure that we do not regret for not doing what we wanted to, when there was an opportunity. I sincerely hope that this sacrifice of 4 minutes will allow you to treasure your time in the future and spend it more wisely."
- Year 10 English Speech.

Can't help but feeling nostalgic right now...

10 Random thoughts!

2010-09-17T20:28:00.000-07:00

1. Can't help thinking that children with rich parents are conceited

2. Wonder where I would be spending my time if I never touched video games

3. Are people really are just that easy-going? maybe I'm too used to talking to people who expect and demand things from you

4. Keep thinking that the smallest observation reveals the greatest meaning

5. Now why did I buy that second battery for my netbook?

6. Reckons I am going to get more blog views this post because there are pictures.

7. I should really chase up people who owe me money but I feel bad

8. Was the glass ever half full in the first place?

9. Will I ever be a ~~pokemon~~ violin master?

10. It would be awesome if I started a company where I hired all my friends.

Life is too complicated.

2010-07-06T06:18:00.000-07:00

I hereby give up on you for the time being, world of adults.

------------------------------------------------

SIMPLICITY:

15 mins of practise on violin each day!
15 mins of exercise each day!
3 meals a day, no creamy/oily/fatty foods! No junk food!
Facebook only for 5 mins each session! No more than 5 logins per day!
Make sure you are doing something for the main part - Stay away from MSN/Facebook/Forums/and unfortunately this blog too.

Life is Simple.

2010-06-18T05:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I don't understand some people. Or maybe I'm too simple?

I am satisfied with fresh orange juice or a dish from my frequently visited restaurants / home dinner
I am satisfied with

--unpublished chronicles 18/06/2010

Ominous feeling

2010-06-14T03:14:00.000-07:00

Feeling lonely, void of contact.

Feels like I am pushing everyone away from me one by one.

What have I done now?

Why am I worrying over a few things that I typed?

This silence really isn't comfortable.

Fatigued.

2010-05-20T17:19:00.000-07:00

I am so very tired, fatigued of what had happened in the last 2 months.

From the self-interpreted prospect of having a relationship, family and relatives commitment, work play and life balancing, academic pressures, student club commitments, mental and emotional growth, maturing and realising that my naive ideals cannot overcome harsh realities in life and commitments to the friendships which I value so - this has literally caused me to crash into a pit of burden.

My eating plan is out of place.
My regular exercise is out of sync.
My study patterns have gone haywire.
My bank balance has increased volatility.
My quest for a job has been totally postponed.

For some reason it just FEELS really busy and tiring... not sure if it really is or not.

I just want some time to game for like a week straight inside my house and be anti-social haha. I need a break from the world somehow, or maybe this is just how life has decided to change itself and I need to be constantly thinking on my feet.

I should jog more often... =)

2009-11-12T02:28:00.001-08:00

[9:26:52 PM] was pretty epic
[9:26:55 PM] we were talking about girlbashing
[9:27:01 PM] and peter enters
[9:27:01 PM] and goes
[9:27:04 PM] you guys talking bout vincent?
[9:27:07 PM] we loll'ed

-irrelevant quote ~XD (OR IS IT?)

Play Tifa's Theme from FF7 while reading this, if you have it

So after all that intense exam cram and hermitting, I finally got myself to jog. Started off as a simple expected "one stone two birds" by jogging to a good and close friend's house to grab my watches before jogging back. Soon found out he wasn't at home, but he replied like immediately. I told him that I'd take a jog now and also another one again tomorrow. He didn't reply however and I was somehow expecting him to say "good job" or something along those lines.

After I got my act together, I finally took the first step into the cool, windy breeze of spring (which funnily enough hasn't come since the crazy BEACH WEATHER has come). The sky was all dark by now, but dad's beaming fluorescent bulbs lit the driveway up like a magical road. I stretched and got ready and started light jogging (chicken feet jog as my good friend would call it :] ). To my surprise, as I was turning around corner, I saw this stealthy silhouette silhouette crawling across the wires in the sky. Unfavourable of any physical misshaps, I inched towards the possum carefully as it froze into a stone stiff pose. I took a closer look and confirmed its possum-like identity, but was uncomfortable in running directly under the cable thinking that the possum would leap onto my face and gouge my eyes out (heard of some retarded stories about them). So my plan in the end was to U-Turn and pretend to jog a bit before doing a U-Turn back and jogging up towards my favourite place. The possum had now relocated from its previous state and I safely progressed up.

On the way up I saw many things. Two massive piles of bark/wood chips of different colours, a girl with a blue top and black short skirt waving frantically at a car passing by, another car coming in the opposite direction.... then I finally bump into a dead possum. This one was MUCH LARGER than the previous one, in fact, this one looked AWFULLY FAT. I started squirming and cried out "omg there's a dead possum, WTF?". Luckily nobody was around to reprimand my outburst of profanity.

Continuing across the road to the safe haven aka patch of grass, i began to jog. Half way through my 2nd lap I started to wane in strength and stomach was throbbing with pain. All of a sudden to my disbelief I heard voices in my head. These familiar and warm voices triggered a whole panorama of shots of my memories. "Come on Vincemaaaa, PUSH YOURSELF!", "come on chicken feet!", "BE A MAN VIN-CENT-MA!", "come on Vincent, one more!". As ridiculous as this sounds, I really felt re-energized and my body light weighted. The more of these shots rolled off the film of nostalgia the more watery my eyes started getting. It was a very happy feeling, yet drenched in sadness due to my neglect and lack of notice of these truly great friends.

After my laps I walked around once more to slow down and cool off. While the heart rate calmed down, the energy all went to the tear ducts. I started sulking alone in the windy but quiet night, surrounded by a vast plain of dark blue amongst the shadowed grass. The more I thought about these friends, the more I cried.

I think you guys know who you are! :) I want to seriously really thank you guys from the bottom of my heart for all those times of pushing me to move on, stretching my calves an inch more, inhaling one more breath, taking another step, reaching towards the infinite future lying ahead. Taking me out to do dangerous things that turned out to be just pure awesome! We indeed had many fun times and moments of our lives that will never truly forgotten. Thanks for pushing me to exercise more. Thanks for the advice. Thanks for making my life lively with ridiculous teasing and trying to make me mack on any chick that I speak the name of. Even though I don't have a physical roll of film to document every living moment with you guys, it is etched in my brain at least as deep as the bottom of the deepest oceans. I am also really really sorry for neglecting you guys all along. I realize I should hang out with you guys more often, even if it's just spending time and not having a goal or aim. I never should have said no when you kindly invited me out. Please forgive my naiveness and ignorance. I will make sure to express my appreciation more in the future! :')

I will never forget you guys.

-Vincent Ma, 12/11/2009

RIDICULOUS RELEVATIONS In this Springtime

2009-11-07T07:20:00.000-08:00

Hello fellow readers of this terribly inactive and whinge and whine-intensive blog.

I have more confessions to make regarding my current life.

I just feel so insanely stupid all of a sudden.

Gosh, I don't really know if people used to call me smart because they genuinely thought I was smart, but come to realize haven't I been portraying myself as a COMPLETE idiot all along? I TRY to SOUND intelligent but that is really all just through the words. Anybody who knows me well enough will just utterly and completely get annoyed by the ways I do things: ranging from washing vegetables for a salad to "bringing a knife" for a barbecue. I've got more recent examples to come as well:

INTELLIGENCE

A: I really don't seem to think before I say things - and don't put enough consideration and weighting on my so-called "promises". Sorry to a certain close friend, I let my slippery tongue slip again, and thanks for letting me off easy just with a single punch to the arm (that didn't really amount to any force at all). It really all came from me chatting in the presence of others and bringing up the fact that a certain friend caused another friend to become estranged due to friendliness misunderstood as love. I really have trouble CONSCIOUSLY remembering certain long term promises that I make to people, like especially the secret keeping types. ARGH!

Adding on top of that, there are certain things which I thought was intellectually stimulating is being brushed off by people as common sense put into big words. Marketing would be a great example. According to friends Winnie and Julian (and actually many more), the entire unit of marketing at Monash University is a waste of time. Stupid. Trash. They reckon it's using big words to sum up common sense that a decent person should have accquired in their life so far. The fact that I find it interesting must mean that I'm lacking that common sense and am actually just a useless baby who's aged 21. Man, I'm starting to think that even a 12 year old is more mature than me. (though it is an interesting fact that kids are getting MUCH smarter these days)

SOCIAL SKILLS

B: Adding more to this, I am so socially inept that I MORE OFTEN THAN NOT say really RETARDED things which are really inconsistent with what I set out to become as a person. Most recent example: I was sitting at a table at dinner with some friends. They all bring out reasonably interesting things to say. Before I left my good friend speak, I tell her to "WAIT" and then just bragged outright to the whole table that the monthly interest in my bank account is enough to pay off my phone bill... OK COME AGAIN, DID YOU JUST INDIRECTLY TRY TO BRAG TO PEOPLE THAT YOU ARE RICH? Far out Vincent Ma. You IDIOT! Why the hell did you go and say that? You have given the impression that you are UP YOURSELF or maybe just made a fool of yourself because everyone is secretly laughing in their head "what a noob, he earns $30 interest per month and he thinks he is rich". ARGH. My perception of wealth is truly awkwardly skewed. Here I thought by being a non-spender myself I could stand proud and think I'm ahead of most people in finances... HOW WRONG WAS I...[continued to part C]

Moreover, I tend brush off people's conversation points like nothing and keep resetting the focus to myself, gosh i'm so self centred I hate it. Either I have physical hearing problems, or my consciousness is so selfish that my brain refuses to take note of what other people are saying. I am hating myself so much for this. I apologize to anyone and probably everyone for "ignoring what they say". This seems to happen EVERYWHERE I go, face to face conversations, MSN, calling on the phone, texting and etc. I seem to end things on an awkward note.

FINANCE MANAGEMENT

C: Okay so regarding that Finance matter. I always thought that I was more 'smart' with managing my finances through one simple solution: don't spend unless you ABSOLUTELY need to. Obviously as a fellow citizen who's bloodline hailed from the town of Hong Kong one would expect me to be stingy and manage to find ways to economize my hobbies and activities through piracy. (I have made a silly excuse that I don't currently have enough money, so I justify my own piracy in hope that once I get a decent job, I will purchase music, games and movies that I want.) I digress. I am currently AWFULLY JEALOUS of others' gain in shares and stocks. I try to find some retarded personal reasoning out of it, but really can't - I'm just a sore loser whinging and whining trying to make myself sound justified for not being as active with investing and taking risks. But seriously that $20,000 capital gain sounds insane. Either I'm still naive or I'm just not cut out to be a businessman. Which leads on to the question of "what the F**K am I doing with my life right now?"

PURPOSE IN LIFE

D: Ever since work placement finished at Coles I always felt something was missing. A proper purpose. Something to improve on. I have told you guys MANY TIMES OVER, but I still want to get fit, be pro at violin. OK no more hiding, I have gained a ridiculous amount of weight even during all this exam time pressure it's scary and I regret it. I weighed myself at like 74KG before exam period and thought it was OKAY, you just got LAZY the whole sem, so a month of good exercise will do the trick... EXCEPT NOT. Instead, in the past three weeks, I've managed to put on another WHOPPING 3 KGs... so now at an all time high 77 KG... I HAVE NOT EVER BEEN HEAVIER IN MY LIFE TIME... Only realizing it now is so depressing and saddening. Far out, and my target was to make sure I got to low mid to high 60s. EPIC FAIL VINCENT MA. You also let down your aunty, couldn't uphold the promise that you would go and exercise and keep fit. Victor also mentioned that the best time to exercise is NOW. According to him I only have like 2 more years before the peak of energy is gone. So if I want to work at it, I need to start NOW, PRONTO. I tried poorly today to take a jog, but due to the intense heat and laziness, I ran away like a coward.

I also seem to have a lot of farfetched and fantastical thoughts in my brain. None of it really is relaistic enough to take physical form in this world. I am a dreamer and not a liver. Example right now: Me and two guy friends start talking about chicks (I still remember talking to Jasmine that I would never use this term to refer to the fairer sex but looks like I ended up succumbing in the end... I hate myself for not following through), we obviously share our messed up and insane obsessive opinions about "which one is more attractive". Then somehow they FORCE/BAIT ME to post some links to pictures of people. They start asking the embarassing questions and interrogation. "Who is that girl?". "Vince you pimp". OK GUYS JOKES ARE OK, but WHY BAIT ME... Is it really amusing to you? Originally nothing was happening and nothing is meant to happen. I simply thought "ok, she was a nice person", but then same as usual, people like to EXAGGERATE about these things. Start to tell me "oh you are so keen on her", which is NOT THE CASE AT ALL. I guess this is what people would be calling "collapsing under peer-pressure". In the end people think it's a big deal, but I think it's not. I keep trying to tell them it's not but they take me as a joke and keep enticing me to the idea, which leads me on to believing there is actually something going on. If you assess the facts objectively, it's quite retarded to think a relationship could sprout from me just knowing this person as a 'friend' and that we were meeting up on a holiday trip overseas. WHY WOULD YOU EVER START THINKING ABOUT PEOPLE IN THAT WAY WHEN YOU'VE ONLY MET THEM LIKE THREE TIMES? Guys, I seriously have only talked to her in person like around twice... and those conversations didn't last more than ten minutes. Sigh, I am so ignorantly superficial.

ANNOYANCES IN THE HOUSEHOLD

E: One thing that has been shitting me a lot recently at home was noticing how my parents are starting to turn into annoying grannies and grandpas having a go at each other with every remark. Example: Mum is rushing an assignment, Dad spouts some stupid line "need to cook dinner now" when he KNOWINGLY understands that she has an assignment due in like a day. Obviously mum is enranged and doesn't really feel like it. OK, so Dad got his act together and started preparing dinner his way - chinese dimsums and buns (ok i'm not complaining if anyone was wondering). Later on they dispute about WHY the buns are deformed, or that they did not come out well. Mum just RANDOMLY shouts out "oh because your dad doesn't know to clean the pot after steaming the first set of buns". Bro asks "what do you mean by that?" then dad just snaps in going "that's your mum, she can never express herself normally". This is just INFURIATING me... WHY CAN'T YOU ALL STOP FUSSING OVER SUCH LITTLE THINGS AND USE IT AS AN EXCUSE TO FEEL BETTER BY PUTTING DOWN THE OTHER PARTY?

It's so awful to see that they are exchanging insults at each other's ability even though it's completely irrelevant to the subject matter or issue at hand. They should be more objective about these things and focus on the issue, not the person. I notice my brother doing that sometimes as well. I'm actually not sure if I commit these kinds of miniature atrocities in my daily life too. Please tell me off if I do, it will definitely make me feel better.

CONCLUSION

F: I have certainly tried to structure this rant properly by brainstorming my ideas in one liners first then expanding on each point. Grouped the relevant ones together to make sure everything flowed through nicely. I hope today's rant brought some value to your life (I would feel absolutely guilty and sinful if I was to have wasted your time). It is now 3AM and I simple couldn't sleep. I hope these issues will resolve themselves later. Or I just probably will have to learn to cope with them as a part of me, even though I really and strongly want to believe that I can mold myself into what I see is a good person.

為甚麼,我的心,只能等...?

2009-09-15T22:50:00.000-07:00

Kinda obsessed with typing Chinese with NJStar lately.
Did a translation to the English version to.

為甚麼,未能放開手
(Why haven't my hands let go?)
為甚麼,不能繼續走
(Why can't I continue to walk?)

我的心,仍然在痛哭
(My heart still remains in agony)
我的心,仍然被拘束
(My heart is still chained up tightly)

只能等,到天長地久
(I can only wait till the end of time)
只能等,到您來挽救
(Until you rescue this heart of mine)

~ ж ж ж ~

vinceMa

Self Development.

2009-07-25T00:26:00.000-07:00

Hereby lay down 5 golden rules that you wish to try your best to follow in the remainder of the year of 2009.

1. I shall think before I say ANYTHING.
2. I shall not be easily annoyed or aggravated.
3. I shall not look at things in just the black and white.
4. I shall research for evidence and facts before making any claims.
5. I shall not dawdle and be indecisive about helping people in need.

Hopefully I can stick by this.

2009-06-19T21:43:00.000-07:00

Stayed in bed till 2pm today.

Don't know what i'm doing.

watching anime now.

--unpublished chronicles 19/06/2009

Occassional insecurity...

2009-06-13T03:46:00.000-07:00

Hello all, how have you all been my fellow readers?

I've had a very relaxing week at work this time round, pretty much after Wednesday we just cruised in and out. All the important decommission and the pullback projects have been scheduled and completed.

Just while I was on the all famous time-wasting utility, namely facebook, I found a rather interesting (and geeky) quiz to take. I'm sure most of you have already spent more than you wanted to on those stupid quizzes, but this "What periodic element are you?" quiz has rather interesting questions. First few were just your simple facts like whether or not you liked live music, how you react to change, what types of clothes/shoes you wear, how you handle your finances... then came this question which struck my head like a short-circuit in a light bulb.

here it is...

~People like you because...

1. You are so unpredictable.
2. You are dependable, they can always count on you.
3. You're funny, witty and can come up with quips faster than they can.
4. Your outlook on life is enviable.
5. You've bailed them out of difficult situations many times. You've even saved the lives of many.
6. Can you define the word "like"?
7. You've proven yourself a good friend many times over.
8. You are the object of their ridicule and you just sit there and take it and it doesn't bother you.

...And I was stuck, simply didn't know what to pick.

Surely this may seem like another one of my overreactions on a simple quiz which i could've randomly clicked on the most obscure answer, but this really did raise some very good questions and reminded me how I see myself in people's eyes.

For me this personal image thing is very important, but more important than that is to know how people feel towards my character, my integrity and personality. I am always thrown into dissarray as I believe I have a very erratic behaviour in terms of mood swings and the word that come firing out of my mouth.

1. You are so unpredictable.
For some friends, I think number 1 would definitely apply. Maybe even at home, ha.

2. You are dependable, they can always count on you.
Number 2 I hope is the most prevalent amongst the people who are around me. I believe this is the reason that most people can like me for at work in the least aspect.

3. You're funny, witty and can come up with quips faster than they can.
Number 3 seems to only apply to some people... I've never been under the belief that I was a funny or witty person. More often than not I would get a lot of "omg lame" stares as well as disapproving retorts even from friends who I hold dear. I'd think usually this lack of humour and extreme bad jokes deter a lot of people from starting a friendship with me. While there are somes out there who think I am ridiculously funny, I'd have to say this is just their unique opinion about me.

4. Your outlook on life is enviable.
Now number 4 is a hard one haha. I personally believe most people see me as rather independant in a lot of things I do. I'm organised enough to be academically equipped to get to class, take notes and then return above average results. Some people have always congradtulated me on how I am able to hold out on not spending money and saving it all up. I think I may have picked this one up from my dad. I guess the only thing that is really worth emo'ing about in my life is a lack of a girlfriend, haha. I'm academically capable, not entirely obese to the point where I am in a health crisis, not poor to the point where I can't enjoy luxuries or share the same interests and participate in activities/going out. I have a complete and loving family and caring brother who I almost never have qualms with. I am obedient to my parents but also loyal to my friends (as in how I'm not a rebel but I don't dob on friends either... but i will reprimand them). Generally speaking I am a pretty happy and simple person, with low expectations with life comes fewer worries, I guess that part is enviable? Also I have a feeling this has to do with why people voted that I would be a better father than most in the comparing app on facebook... LOL

5. You've bailed them out of difficult situations many times. You've even saved the lives of many.
TBH, I would be totally and utterly jealous of anyone who can truly and full-heartedly click on this answer without being unfaithful or untruthful to themselves. This might possibly what I am aiming towards, BUT! BUT I have just let people down too many times. Far too many. It's these events and things which people remember most about. All those peaceful days where you helped people out with simple tasks just gets forgotten or at least moved to the back of their heads in their sub-conciousness. I personally want to be able to save a life with my own two hands before the day I die, it would be such a great honour and morally satisfying to do so.

6. Can you define the word "like"?
EMO-TRAIN APPROACHING! Naw, just kidding. I have no questions, but I definitely have a feeling that whilst people "like" me to be my friend, I have a very weak belief that anyone would really see me as one of their cloesest friends. I haven't been that involved with any of my friends as much as I would to be able to call them extremely close friends. Well that is just my perspective of the external view of myself. I believe I treat each of my friendships with care and abudnant amount of trust. I would hardly ever willingly break or avoid a friend, even if I haven't been hanging around them or seeing them for a long time. I for one believe in that all friendships should be kept, just "for old time's sake". For this same reason that I have stated above, I am afraid of planning my 21st birthday... haven't even decided whether I should have a party or not yet... because I'm just scared... too scared that nobody would be willing to be up there to make a speech for me... not their fault, just my fault for not hanging out with people much.

EDIT: Prolly also useful to add that I reckon I don't deserve to be called a close friend, due to the lack of time that i spend around them... but for me out of sight is not out of mind. Living example is how I still keep in touch with a childhood friend who now lives on the opposite side of the earth. I also still send b'day sms's to ppl who never reply but i do it every year xP.

7. You've proven yourself a good friend many times over.
I hope this is another strong reason as to why people like me. At least from the serious point of view, I come across as "some goody-2-shoes, who will never betray you!" (hehe that rhymes). I think I have strong beliefs in my own set of morals and will rarely budge from the ground which I stand on. When people come to me for help to either find some file on the net, fix some computer, solve a math equation, help them read over their reports, or just discussion in general, I'm always willing to provide a rational response (though sometimes a more intellectual friend might be shooting down my points as I'm not articulate enough =P, I don't hate them for it, just makes me feel dumb) and hopefully cheer them up by the end of the day. I absolutely wouldn't mind being a motivator for people, giving them the push that they need through the power of idealistic words (which i truly believe in, as opposed to being harsh and realistic). On the rare occassion I have ACCIDENTALLY let some things slip from my lips which I was not meant to, but even then I managed to apologize with my sincerity... so I'm definitely a trustworthy guy! If you somehow manage to get me to verbally promise you something you can mark my words here and now that I will carry out through it. I don't usually promise people things unless I know I can absolutely uphold my end of the bargain - But if I ever do tell you I promise, I do promise.

8. You are the object of their ridicule and you just sit there and take it and it doesn't bother you.
This is exactly what caused me to pause at the question. Not because it was so hard to pick which was the most believeable one (prolly no.2 tbh) but because I have another feeling (maybe a bad one?) that this might be the real answer. I really do not want to believe it. But in a way this option does sound rather glorified if you take it from the angle that you are the one sacrificial lamb that will save mankind. If there is such interpretation, I probably won't mind being the unnoticed and unrewarded saviour of the world. I say that I don't like attention, but I probably do like it. Still, the sheet thought of being able to achieve something big, even with the tragic end to cutting my life short, I am willing to do. It is true and common that in my closest of groups I do get bagged quite a lot. I know they are all jokes and games but sometimes I just do wonder, what if I am so awkward and mentally retarded that everyone's just being nice to me because I'm inferior? I hope not. I really do hope that everyone has an equal amount of "substance" distributed uniquely across their individual traits and experiences. What I mean is, maybe people who are more ambitious would have a shorter life time or not me as trustworthy. Someone who is successful in love, career and finance might have had their own pressures and bad experiences in their early life. Etc, etc. I have noticed that recently I have a slow reaction, I think slow, but I'm able to perservere at something longer than most people. Maybe due to this, with ample time and effort, I can deliver greater results than most?

Anyhow my daily self pondering is over, hopefully you loyal readers can give me some insight, because your opinion does matter, but i'm not all ready to change myself drastically even if you do tell me you'd pick number 8 for me. =P I am who I am and I am content, proud and smiling.

EDIT: haha what i meant was what am I seen as by you guys? which of these do you think apply to me / apply to me the most :P? cheers.

V.Ma signing out~

The Reason

2009-05-29T00:39:00.000-07:00

Today would have been an averagely cool day before 3:30 pm. After 3:30pm it was totally different. Tracking back towards the reason why I came home sulking on the 2nd day of work, today that same reason made me smile all throughout the day.

This reason is knowing someone so skillful, kind and smart and humorous at the same time. Usually you would think they would only have 3 out of the 4 traits above. This person has absolutely deserved all the good news that he gotten today. Even in these dark times and crisis, he managed to pull out strong. First landing a job with IBM through a formal graduate position procedure netting him $56,000 a year starting out. He then got another two replies from PwC and Coles at the same time. Even though there was a feeling of jealousy within me, I just couldn't stop smiling at him, as well as with him.

I always knew he had it in him. This guy managed to single-handedly impress a senior systems engineer with just a tiny script. He is more knowledgeable than any of the past IBLs before. Not only that, he really knows how to apply the things that he learns. He is an efficient and effective worker at the same time. This guy is confident, has people skills, has all the technical skills, and fits in well along with the whole corporate culture. I could not possibly thank him more just to be able to get to know him.

It really puts a smile on my face hearing such good news about people. On the way back home I also saw a girl jump up and hugged her dad and then piggy backed on him. So much happiness all around. I think I've really found out what makes me the most happy... it's possibly seeing people around me smiling and beaming out with innocent laughter.

I will mark this day as both an annoying day (due to my supervisor's last minute requests), a hilarious day (with Chris Sculthorpe at work who even gave us free speakers!), the SMS server crashing and causing us to be unable to do work there, as well as a celebratory day for mister Sean Quagliani for his success after success in his career starting point.

Signed,

Friday May 29th, 2009.

25/05/2009 - 3:00 AM

2009-05-24T23:59:00.000-07:00

Greetings all..

I just want to confess that I've awakened from my worst nightmare that I've had since i was a young kid at the age of 8 or so.

When I came to my senses of being clearly awake, I found myself uncontrollably streaking with tears. The reason is because I was having a dream where I'm standing in this type of art gallery display with drawings and photos pinned up against a wall. I can't remember the exact details but it was a pencil drawing on a piece of lined paper... The picture had seagulls (the one-lined ones like in comics) flying towards a great big ocean with the massive Sun setting in the background. On that picture was a caption and it was something along the lines of "I wanted to ask him another question, but he never came back". Tears began to well up in my eyes in the dream and for some reason I just carried the thought that my dad had died. I turned around and my brother was standing next to me too... we were both in suits and ties and he had his arm on my shoulder. It was all so silent. I just couldn't stop hiccuping. Then all these images and memories of my dad just came flashing through my head. I was crying uncontrollably and started yelling out lines like "why did you go so soon?", "I wanted to ask you so much more", "I wanted to write a book about you". It then later turned into muffled cries of "give me back my dad" and "bring him back" while I just sobbed through what seemed to be eternity.

I was then somehow awake lying in my bed facing the ceiling with tears just pouring down my face. I felt scared. I felt cheated. I didn't want to get up from the bed as I was afraid to find what I have woken up to a different and darker reality than yesterday. My knowledge of the fact that my dad has Hepititas B and was a person who would help strangers to no end didn't comfort me at all. This is because of all the recent attacks and shootings/stabbings that have been going on where a person tried to help out a stranger in public but ended up dead in the hospital or in worst cases, immediately vanishing from this world.

It's been around 45 minutes now and it has made me realize how much I truly do love my dad and mum and how I still idolize them in my lives. Looking back there have been times when I just left my dad alone and went to play fucking dota while he was dining by his lonesome self outside. I really hope later today when the Sun rises that it will be back to the reality continued from yesterday. Waking up from this nightmare really made me realize how much I neglected my parents even though I have been an obedient son.

I guess intimacy just never was a big thing in our family. My brother and I hardly ever hug our parents. Last time my mum kissed me on the cheek was like 6 years old. I guess we've really grown out of it and become a real serious family altogether which probably is far more sensible than others.

I definitely need to rethink my priorities and the way in which I spend time that I have remaining with a whole and complete family (God please forbid, I don't want this happen until I have no regrets). I definitely shouldn't be wasting time on stupid video games while they are awake. I need to talk to them, learn more about them than I already do. I want to be able to write a book about both of my parents and mark down in history the greatness that they've achieved.

I really really look up to my father for not only his incredible intelligence and achievements, but also the calm state of mind that he can practically always be in. I also entirely admire him being physically able and have the expertise and knowledge on doing so many handy-man jobs such as building garages, replacing the heater/ducts in the house, drill holes and push LAN cables through the ground so it's invisible, install air conditioners, help people build balconies and sun roofs and so much more.

I recently told him how I full-heatedly respect and admire the fact that he managed to pay off his house loan at an early age and be able to move on the typical temptations of human beings; not jealous of others wealth, fame, appearances, cars, size of their houses and lust. While some may argue that there is no true altruism in this world, I would think my father's overwhelming willingness to help people around him and not doing it for any profit or materialistic advantage truly sets him apart being the embodiment closest to what I would call altruism.

There was this one time when we went shopping at box hill. I just walked in across a set of automatic doors and my dad bolted in right away to go help an old English lady who just tripped and fell down on the escalator. We had an important appointment with the orthodontist after school but he dropped everything that he was doing at the time to first help the lady up, then spend the next 15 minutes comforting her and making sure that she was standing properly while the old lady's daughter came back to join her. It's experiences like these that are forever etched in my mind representing so much that I believe in and what my morals are built and based upon. Hopefully you readers out there can understand this is where my stubborn and silly morals come from.

He has a few sayings which in my mind, fully sets him apart from any other man that I know of...

"It doesn't matter what car a person drives, if they end up crashing then their BMW is as good as a piece of junk"

"You ask me why I pursue knowledge over anything else? That's because anything else can be taken from you. Money, clothes, cars, houses, fame, power, copyrights. Knowledge is the one thing that they cannot easily steal from you."

Not only is he enlightened and like a friendly neighborhood hero in my eyes, he is also possibly the most dependable person on Earth even without a mobile phone. It's true that in recent 2 years he has finally succumbed to rarely using his mobile, but he used to always say: "I do not need a mobile phone, I am a mobile person". This line doesn't only put a smile on my dial, but also just shows the amount of confidence that he has in himself. Surely he comes across pretty arrogant at times, but that's because he has the knowledge and credentials to back himself up with.

I would have told a few friends in the past, but that scene when I first went back to Hong Kong is always vivid in my mind. Those hands of mine were burning from the scratches that I just got. But when I looked up my father's warmth made me forget all the pain and bleeding.

Come to think of it, there are little nit picky things that I can single out which I feel more regret and guilt about than anything to do with a girl I liked/loved in the past.

There is this tiny little decoration piece that my dad keeps in his room in his shelf. This little decoration is like a rocking horse, except there is no horse and it's a little boy angel with wings that rocks backwards and forwards. This would be a memento of my childhood memories with my dad. One of the wings are bent because of my playful nature when I was a kid. I really wish I could go back into the past and not do that.

What I want to ultimately express is that I am awesomely proud of my father for who he is and will love him and the things that he does until the day that I die, and hopefully in the afterlife too (if there is such thing).

A-Z of life in 2009!

2009-03-20T14:24:00.000-07:00

Hello my fellow readers! I've decided to use this morning to dedicate to all my loyal friends and readers a few slices of my life described by the alphabet that we all know and love...! =D

A - Answers/Applications

B - Bananas / (BLUEVO) / Brother

C - Car

D - Daily Logs

E - Eyesight

F - Father

G - Gaming

H - Health/Hot Chocolate

J - Job

I -

K -

L - Laziness

M - Mother

N -

O - Organization

P - Pains/Problems

Q - Questions

R - Relationships/Reluctance

S - Sleeping Patterns

T - Table Tennis

U - Underdog (at work)

V - Violin

W - Wins/Warcraft

X -

Y -

Z -

--Unpublished chronicles 20/03/2009

Random statement of the day

2008-11-03T19:32:00.000-08:00

I just want to mark it down here that my views on relationships will continue to be Innocent, Pure and Naive. I know there's a lot more to take into consideration and the topic is infinitely complex, but I've decided to just not think about that stuff at all until I hit rocks and obstacles. Sorry but for me, no matter how much people say to me to make me more cautious and mature, I will always continue to have a simple and honest outlook. This innocence is part of who I was, I am and what I hope to continue to be.

something so easily achieveable, yet much overlooked...

2008-11-01T01:32:00.000-07:00

"a state of well-being and contentment"
"a pleasurable or satisfying experience"
"good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy."
"the quality or state of being happy."

Happiness, something that probably is very easily achievable, but much overlooked.

--Unpublished chronicles 1/11/2008

Reality Check

2008-11-01T00:50:00.001-07:00

Today I had a rather unpleasant feeling.

Although to me it was rather distant and remote, I for the first time witnessed in real life someone receiving a terrible message out of the blue.

From a simple unsuspecting phone call, a day of planned concentrated and highly efficient study transformed into a rather depressing day, though I somewhat question whether or not I have the right to be sad. Having someone you know find out about their friend passing away is definitely not the type of news that anyone would want to hear.

To me, up until today those bereaved of close friends or family due to car accidents was only a part of the ongoing media in the news. It never hit me that something so unsuspecting can happen so suddenly, and turn the world upside down for some people.

I feel guilty and useless in general. I could not say or do anything to comfort, partly due to me not knowing much about the bereaved friend's friend. I wish I was able to do something genuine and not cliche or "the things that anyone does since it's what people are meant to do". How can I be Vincent Ma and still provide some comfort or assistance? I felt really bad. I hope that silence on my part was at least not harmful to this friend's state of mind.

I guess this is also a sort of wake-up call to us all as well. Nobody knows about what is going to happen is the future, full of mysteries, surprises, shocks and unsuspecting news. Today when the home phone rang, I felt a sense of fear, thinking that something would have happened to something I know as well. I really should be prepared for things like these, huh?

The sheer notion and thought of something so unfortunate is unbearable, so I shall stop this post here and now.

Back to exam study...

* * *

As of last night, I managed to something somewhat useful and helpful for that friend, and I could sleep a lot better...

but I still feel somewhat unsettled...

Must concentrate on exam revision...

Whatever recollection i have left of it:

2008-10-19T18:51:00.001-07:00

vincema - IT in Orgzzzz [3/12] says:
lol man
i had a fkn weirdass dream
you know that guy "aishiteru" from bored aussies
lol apparently i was at some uni or something with him
and then
it was at night
we entered the first security door of some building
and then some black man
was a security guard
came in and told us to get out
or something
we ignored him
so we enetered the next door
next thing we know, some military dudes shoved us against the wall with these plastic inflated air bags
and said
listen to orders we don't want anyone getting hurt
and then the black man ran off
then i couldn't breathe and shit
i had a gun in my hand somehow
then after a few moments
some senior officer told the dudes holding us up
to loosen a bit
and then all of a sudden the siren went off
"experiment advancing to next stage, all hands stay clear"
was in the PA system
and then omfg
a torrent of this
water
with red things inside it
washed down the hallway
mad torrent
and then the military guys let go and kept telling us to GOG OGO GO!
STAY DOWN
LIE FLAT ON GROUND
CRAWL SLOWLY AND STICK TO THE WALLS
for a while i watched my friend crawl in front of me
he was doing as they were told
he was safe
and he went up this tunnel
i crawled
but i was friggin scared
bit by bit
i arrived up to the tunnel thing
but i slipped
and fell in the middle of the corridor
where i wasn't touching the walls
then that water shit
came all over me
splashed me silly
i felt numb and shit
then i jumped up
and suddenly thought of climbing those pipes
that were leading UP
and forwards
into the unknown
some voice in my head was like
"what are you doing idiot? climb path A!"
i had nfi what was going on
lol
then i kept running along the pipes
till i reached another area
where there were maps and shit
the voice in my head kept telling me
"be careful now, make sure you hop onto the right pipe"
i looked at the map and i figured which pipes it was pointing to
then it was kinda like some teleportation shit
i teleported to the top of some airspace then flew diagonally down onto the pipe
then i started running like crazy
then some evil voice was like
"you can run but you can't hide"
"why are you running away?"
then the original voice in my head was like
"you can win, but you just dont' know how"
then some lava shit
came around me
i yelled out I DON'T CARE
and then i woke from the dream -_-

END OF STORY

Fearing for the future...

2008-09-10T23:28:00.000-07:00

This morning when the Sun rose, it felt warm and full of life. As I glanced over its azure-ness, the sky seemed to be smiling at me. I hummed with a delighted and musical mood, while driving my short and simple car (much like what I think I am) into the distance. On the way to Monash, my brain started to converse with myself.. $5.50 for a parking ticket... or break my promise to never abuse the carpool? I was in a big fight with myself... I did not want to conform with the people who are cheating the system... yet I felt that my continuous efforts to maintain a clean record was unnoticed... because actually I was not the only one who would be so stubbornly law-abiding and rule-following.

...Then I found out I was at uni one hour too early. Which was kind of stupid... tried to help a friend fix their computer but system restore would not work... (subtract self belief) and then later met up with the friend again to hear that someone had fixed it by just deleting the files from the desktop... I felt inferior. I could not help a friend with such a simple task. Possibly it was out of my knowledge or capacity to solve the issue, but the fact that I tried and no results were happening was demoralizing.

Throughout the day, I began to think about a lot of things. Passing by some of the large trees within Monash Clayton brought me some peace and tranquility.. then a thought passed through my mind - I really wouldn't mind standing in the presence of a warm sun and gentle breeze and gaze eternally at the leaves rustling on the trees. Maybe I should go and become a hermit?

Life feels rather bland... despite being really busy with commitments and such, there is just this emptiness from within... that I cannot explain. University life feels like it's simply going day in day out, ultimately achieving nothing other than a silly certificate. Being left alone during a long break, I bought a bottle of Assam milk tea and drank it slowly while sitting in that lecture hall. I suddenly felt really tired... and sleepy.. yet it wasn't comfortable enough for me to sleep while other people were there. I must've been paranoid really. I thought I would've felt really delighted when some friends turned up to the lecture at last, but turns out the muscles of my face were just stiffened but some unknown syndrome.

From some conversations I had with a good friend, I've come to find out new changes to myself. I never really saw myself as attention seeking and totally immodest. It came as quite a great shock to me when that happened. "False modesty"... all the goodness that I saw within myself was totally destroyed in the blink of an eye. I no longer had anything to be proud of... I felt useless, and as much as everyone would probably agree, fakeness or falseness in character is terribly despised. As a result I have to admit some of these things that people say about me... because I couldn't prove them back that I wasn't as they said.

Somehow I feel afraid now, what if, sometime along the future, the real me was a totally horrible being? Feeling the obligation to believe that i'm an attention seeker doesn't really help me at all. When I look at myself now, I feel really heavy in the heart because I did not get this "attention" that I wanted. And so begins the downward spiral... to nothingness.

I can't really say life is uneventful, because I'm being really busy and there are a lot of things still bombarding me... But I am starting to feel bored, disinterested and tired of the happenings in life. "Why can't I do this? Why can't I do that?" - such questions will drill at the back of my head till I end up feeling sombre. What is it that drives me? Compliments? Pity from others? I can't understand anymore. Everything feels like a chore... The more my life continues, the less I seem to remember. Am I living in the past? I understand what has been done is done, but I am still living in the past... hoping to go back there... Why is it that life only seems to get worse and worse with commitments, work, obligations, issues and my remaining effort seems to be less and less?

My brother had said this other thing too... I seem to be lucky about a lot of little things... whereas he would be unlucky such as getting parking fines and train ticket fines. But he said that when it comes down to the important things of life, he is lucky then... whereas I'm probably not. The suddeny thought and notion of that drove my confidence further... Does that mean I'm doomed for the important things of my life? But what is truly important anyways? I'm sorry that I've totally lost direction...

I really don't know what to say or do... I feel that I can only express whatever is going through my mind here... possibly once again demanding attention... So I would like to apologize in advance if anyone does end up feeling obliged to comment. I don't know how many loyal readers are out there... Please don't be surprised if I end up becomming a zombie sooner or later.

More than one method to find satisfaction!

2008-09-05T15:36:00.000-07:00

It is all good! I don't know how many of you out there are still reading this, but life has had multiple changes and lead to the ramifications of me dropping a goal that I was ardently pursuing for what seemed to be half a lifetime.

After listening to a few friends' advice, it was decided that the absolute and best option was to simply give up. Love is not true when it's forced, even though I somewhat believe in what a good friend once said: "Any two people can be together, it just depends on the circumstances that they met in"... so I guess I just screwed up bad, huh?

Even though the decision has been made, walking the walk is definitely a lot harder than talking the talk. To not seem like a snob and also retain whatever friendship was left, I had to suppress a lot of feelings which were internally warring with my consciousness. The hypothetical battle between brain and heart threw me into an ocean of chaos. At times I would feel like not letting go because I kept thinking back to the magical moments in the past, but another part forces me to look ahead and keep telling myself that "I can do better".

And then there was last night, which to my surprise, was a night of enjoyment despite my constant restraint of myself. I see myself as a utility friend for the most part, so I should really stay that way. Hence, I decided to keep maximum distance away as well as not even once glancing or looking at her. I, like every other man in the world wouldn't mind looking at pretty women when they're all dressed up fancy, but I don't know if it really is just me or not... I feel really uneasy and uncomfortable when girls are so scantily dressed like that. Sure, they are sexy and attractive, but my brain is so screwed up that it almost feels IMMORAL to look at girls when they're that pretty...

Pretty much that summed up the first and foremost weakness of mine... and in the situation of balls or prom nights, another weakness of mine is somewhat apparent... I just simply don't know how to dance, or maybe the music that was being played varied too much... or maybe I'm too worried or stressed about how people would judge me on my 'physical ability'. I was never good at anything physical, hence why I ended up being one of the more academic type people of society... I suspect the ladies all had like dance classes in the past... but I really have had absolutely no training of any sort... the other guys knew how to move, they moved smooth and they feel confident, whereas I just simply don't. If the music was slower or maybe if I knew the music then I could possibly sing along to it, which would make me look less like a fool. Either way, I really don't think dancing is the thing for me.

Girls chisel down my confidence. The topic of dancing causes my confidence drop. The dance floor feels like a high gravity zone. With all those combined, I emerge as a statue.

I don't know whether or not what I did had hurt anyone directly or indirectly, but I believed in myself to have done the right thing last night. Keeping self-respect, maintaining self-control and exerting sufficient pressure to not be consumed into anything even though I had quite a bit to drink. I wasn't snobbing, I wasn't ignoring, I was just exerting self-control. Please don't hate me for doing that, because you probably don't understand how hard it was for me to control myself.

I don't know if I have the authority or credit to claim this, but I believe I am the type of person who has the strong enough mentality will be able to block out any kind of sexual or lustful temptation or distractions in life. So hopefully I won't be committing adultery or get caught "cheating" on anyone :P. Maybe I should go become a monk...

It's a bird, no it's a plane, no... it's...

2008-08-21T00:18:00.000-07:00

A FREEEEE MAAAAAAAAN

HI GUYS I'M A FREE MAN NOW!

New fascinations that come to mind

2008-08-09T05:18:00.000-07:00

OKAY!

So as I have promised (or 'said', i suppose) I have posted a new post on my blog!

Today, the 3 (+1 adoptive) glennies joined forces to defeat the evil mastermind of FIT2002 Project Management!

Vic viper using technology while i'm still using pen and paper... G_G... but yeah what a mess on the table! lol Drinho ftw... cheap asian drinks!

except Cindy didn't take a photo of herself while she exploited my camera :(

Later went to Kowloon Cafe for some pro food. Koo dawg and Vic viper bought chao kuey tiao while I ate salt and pepper fried chicken on rice!

Rushed down to monash for my melbourne bands festival but apparently turned out to be tomorrow! (which is actually today since i spent 2 hours to write this stupid blog post!)

Then when my bro came home, he gave me some M&Ms

For geeky in-jokes, the white M&M is Suzaku/Spinzaku and the black one is Zero or Le Douche.

lololol wasted today just singing randomly to two people who must not be named LOLOL via some method that also CANNOT BE NAMED LOLOLOL

anyways hope you enjoy the rare photos that I take... i'm gonna take more photos now

In the greatest and warmest memories of...

2008-06-17T12:25:00.000-07:00

So after a long busy schedule filled with deadly exams, challenging questions and arm breaking script writing, a break finally has occurred! For those who don't know, I am studying a double degree of Commerce and Business Information Systems at Monash (Mownass) University. The three exams I have completed so far are Systems Analysis & Design, Business and Economic Statistics, and last but not least Management. Overall I would say that I have been quite impressed with my exam performance just based on intuition, but the marks will have the final say of that when the unit results come back =P.

Now quickly returning to the point of this post. A recent event within my family tree has ultimately led to the passing away of a far, yet close relative.

Though somewhat distant, I can only hope to touch the surface of my grandfather's image stemming from my thoughts and memories.

The unyielding might and valour of a horse...

Rest in peace, beloved grandfather

親愛的爺爺,安息吧
10th of June, 2008

馬長 (Ma Cheung in Cantonese or Ma Chang in Mandarin) - He was the youngest child of his family, bearing painful memories of the second world war when the Japanese invaded China; taking away his parents, every sibling except for the immediate older sister. His father (my great grandfather) was the mayor of his small town in a southern province of China (near Guang Zhou). With these painful losses he had a genuine feeling of resentment whenever anyone nearby is talking about the Japanese. As with many of his generation, I know that at heart he was a patriotic China man because he talked more than often about the great homeland of China and their successes in the world. He got married with my grandmother and then started having his own family down in Hong Kong.

爺爺 (Ye Ye/Grandfather in Cantonese and Mandarin) is a proud father of 5 kids: my father, 2nd uncle, big aunt and small aunt (to distinct the order) and a final uncle. My father was his firstborn and probably has the closest resemblance in personality to himself, being the hard-working and practical man always with the duty to contribute something useful and believed in properness of living. I am not totally knowledgeable of his relationship with my father but I know that 爺爺 really loves all his kids. The 2nd uncle in particular, who he always seem to favour, spoil and cherish more so than his other kids. His love of his country was so strong that it reflected into the ways he treated his children. 2nd Uncle always wanted to go back to mainland to work and study - and 爺爺 was definitely proud of that. 爺爺 always told me and my brother to listen to our father and cherish him probably because he realizes not only with his favouritism, but also the hardships and tribulations that them two endured through early life were very tough and stole away a lot of my father's childhood.

In desperate times, he managed to foster a fascination for driving cars at a young age, and rather soon it latched onto the form of his life-long career as a government bus driver. I've always admired his driving, though I regretfully cannot remember any experiences of being driven around, I've gathered that he had never ever had any accidents in his 60 years of driving. He was always a safe and reliable driver - never taking part in any accident and never giving up. Despite his advanced age, he saw his mission of driving as a continual contribution to society. Not just a temporary duty, but for him it was an eternal, never-ending goal to provide a safe and welcoming bus ride to customers who are waiting for successful trip to completing the next part of their lives whether it'd be meeting loved ones or just part of their travels. Up to the last and final year of his life he had kept driving, for a senior aged 76 I am more than amazed and also very, very proud that he never gave up driving and contributing to society in a fully proper and glorified manner.

As expected, 爺爺 was somewhat conservative, and never stopped his complaints against my generation's children incorporating technology into their lives so much. Despite his comments, he is always holding onto 2 or 3 or maybe even 4 mobile phones. Looking back to 7 months ago when I revisited Hong Kong, I am glad that even though it was such a small and menial task, I fixed my grandfather's mobile phone time settings and taught him how to open SMS messages. At least I know that I haven't just been a nuisance to his life =P. Despite the busy technologically infested state of Hong Kong he manages to live his practical life without much reliance.

During the early stages of my life when I lived in Hong Kong I can vague remember having weekly visits to 爺爺's place. It was a small but cozy flat on the "other floor" of 13th Building in Ngau Tau Kok. The reason why I say "other floor" because the elevator only had two buttons :P it was either up or down! The flat was decorated with light green creamy tones and filled with tables, desks and couches. In my last memory of it, the center is now very empty and the once dividing wall between the bed and the flat is now taken down. There also used to be this brown wooden Mah Jong-like table that had these little drawers where you place the chips, only it was filled with Lego pieces for any children that happened to visit. The left hand side had photos hanging high up against the corner of the ceiling of every one of 爺爺's children getting married. All of those photos had two versions - one traditional Chinese wedding and the other was the Western style that we are all accustomed to. I remember having a few long chats with 爺爺 in that very room, and him showing me all the photos of my dad's generation when they were kids.

At the back of the flat used to be a large brown birdcage with a cockatoo inside. Having used it to play pranks on uncles and aunties, it was a memorable part of the flat. I was saddened to find that he was gone as I stared emptily into the kitchen space. Right next to the kitchen was just a tiny secluded corner just enough space for a person to take a shower. I remember i took a shower there once and it was not very comforting! The ground was basically just small pieces of tiles and when you walk in there with bare feet the tiles scrape and tickle your feet at the same time, causing much frustration while trying to concentrate on washing. The kitchen just comprised of two stoves and one small sink. I remember my dad took us there to melt candles into a big bowl of wax, only because they had banned melting wax outside in the hallways. Although small, my grandfather's flat was full of fun and memories and represented the harsh lifestyle in his generation.

Aside from the weekly visits, he would always take us down to the canteen-like restaurant to eat dinner. My profound craving for 白飯魚 came from this little restaurant. That restaurant had memorable things too. My grandfather and parents would shout a lot due to the noisy cooking occurring in the kitchen and once in a while there would be a loud thud. These noises came from the never-ending swarm mosquitoes that foolishly flew into the blue light and got zapped. During my last visit, the restaurant had already closed down and once again a heavy feeling of loss came over me. Aside from the small weekly dinners, we also had those grand family gatherings that any Asian child knows best as those loud, shout-across-the-table type dinners - only that this one had cool and close cousins instead of the annoying ones. I can't remember the names of the restaurants in Hong Kong anymore since they're perpetually changing, but there is this one restaurant that sits atop a high elevated area only accessible via a sky bridge (Is that what it's called in English?). That restaurant is where my grandfather would always hold his family gatherings when we were all young and energetic. Now the ritual has be shifted to my smallest uncle's apartment rooftop as a hotpot and Hong Kong style barbecue. One of my biggest regrets is that 爺爺 has invited me and my family to so many meals, I wasn't able to return him any. He said to pay him back for meals when I become a true adult with a proper job and I have achieved neither yet.

After we moved to Australia, it was not long before the adventurous side of 爺爺 surfaced as he rushed himself to visit us over here in Australia. I remembered it roughly as when I was 5. If any of you happened to visit my house before you will notice the memorable steep driveway that we have. It was 爺爺 and dad's combined father and son effort that smoothened it out. The driveway used to be far more steep and scratched the bottom of the car each time it traversed across. Their combined practical prowess not only completed the whole driveway's concrete remodeling, but also planting those iconic oriental bamboos to the side of our driveway. (It was sad that due to a renewing of the fence with neighbors a few bamboo plants had to be pulled down.) I also somewhat remember that during his first visit over here, 爺爺 loved the raisin bread that was sold at Safeway.

During his most recent visit, which I think was around in 2003, he came over and gave us a magnificent present of a set of clay teapot and cups. They were bright orange-brown and had this rice symbol on them. We drank many miniature cups of tea during his stay. It was then that 爺爺 commented on our lack of physical activity and that we were not contributing to society or doing us any good by being stuck to the computer playing video games. I want to acknowledge that I agree this but I think I've grown a deep addiction to the computer now - it would be like driving to 爺爺 is computers to me. It is also in this moment that one of my most memorable moments was during a deep and meaningful talk when he lectured us. The Chinese saying he used was "對事唔對人" which translated to "attack the issue, not the person". It really was a milestone conversation for me as what I had learned was the direct meaning of the saying, which brings me closer to becoming a fairer person and holding attitudes and values that contribute rather than disrupt society. Despite living so far away, the distance and the boundaries of the wide oceans did not stop 爺爺's love. His efforts to communicate this will always be remembered within my forever touched heart.

Seven months ago, when I revisited my home town to visit my beloved relatives, I finally managed to have the honour of meeting the new member that had been born into our family tree nicknamed 小小超.

The circle of life goes on...

With deepest sadness one life moves on, as another is born into the world...

爺爺 has always been fond of him - full of energy and cuteness. 爺爺 would often visit my small uncle around twice a week even though it took around a full hour to travel to the place via train and taxi. Once again his continual dedication to the family is unfathomable, only ever relying on his own heart as a source of motivation to bring smiles and happiness to those around. I hope I will be able to deliver these feelings and thoughts to 小小超 in the future as regretfully he may not be able to remember 爺爺 at such a young age.

I will never forget the memories, experiences and conversations that we have shared. I truly admire your 毅力 (willpower) , 熱情 (enthusiasm), and 熱愛祖國的精神 (patriotism). Up until my last memory of you, you were not frail - but strong. There are not that many grandfathers in the world at an advanced age like you who can still help their grandson carry a thirty kilogram suitcase up across a set of stairs, a sky bridge and all the way to the airport. In reality that thirty kilogram bulk was heavy for a man in his 70s, but his never-extinguishing passion to help his loved ones grants him the power to lift carry any burden within the world.

I hereby close this chapter of my life, as important it is to immerse myself in the memory of my lost grandfather, I must move on with life in order to make him proud as a descendant of the Ma family.

-Vincent Ma, 馬思賢字

Pre-exam procrastination

2008-06-03T06:57:00.000-07:00

OKAAAAAAAAY!

Well today is a Tuesday so I'll start off by saying BADMINTON IS FUN!
I really musn't forget it haha, but with most things they tend to lose its spark or fun after a while (or at least not as noticeable).

I've still got much to learn (sorry Gimher sensei =[ ) but I guess practice shall make perfect!
Funny how I don't really feel much guilt anymore by overplaying the courts like crazy... $13.60 for 3 hours LOL... gawd we are ripping off Monash Sports so much!
It's not news that I suck at sports but I kinda feel bad for whoever gets me as teammate :P (we had to use "black or white" to determine teams and the other person usually sighed or swore when he got paired with me)

As per normal badminton day, I got smashed somewhere in my body with brutal force. This time the shuttle decided to crash land onto the middle bridge of my glasses... GOOD THING FOR STEEL FRAMES! (I am IRON MAN RAWR, ok maybe not)

Too bad the shuttles that my dad brought back from HK sucked :( oh well I guess those can be for smash practice.

After baddy, went home to shower/eat lunch/rest... until 4 pm then started studying again -_- sigh I really am getting too lazy. Can't even concentrate for a solid hour of study anymore.

Facebooked a little... and then I dunno, now I'm stuck blogging?

FIT2001 - Systems Analysis and Design seems to be harder than I thought -_-... so much reading *sigh*

Neways it's depressing how suddenly without any reason certain people can seem so far away.
Similarly, events in life can change so fast and that applies to people too.

I'm not too into publicizing about my life matters too much, but my grandfather has become very ill in a very short time frame in Hong Kong. That's kinda the main reason why my dad went back, to visit him while he still has a concious mind. 6 months ago when I was still enjoying my holiday in Hong Kong I remember him as an old but strong man who's dedication and persistence I admired. Back then he was still working as a bus driver for school excursions nearly every day. 6 months later he ends up having to stay in bed for the majority of the day, only able to stay awake for 5 hours or so and can't even walk more than 500 metres. :(

It's strange because I've never lost a grandparent before, hence I don't know how to feel. Is it normal for grandparents to pass away this soon? I always thought that they would be able to watch me graduate and get married. Maybe my thinking is too farfetched and fanciful. After thinking about this I kinda want to be married early, since that would mean that my dad will be able to watch another generation mature.

All this thinking is doing me no good ><><

Fare thee well readers, till next time!

Month of Autumn...

2008-05-22T00:17:00.000-07:00

So I just suddenly realized that it is Autumn!

Some may describe this season is a season of departure, as memories and feelings detach and get discarded to the ground like the leaves. I've come to feel like Autumn now, trees reaching the end of their beauty and slowly degrading away until they have no leaves left. These leaves might signify feelings for a certain individual. Forcing too hard to try to hold onto the leaf by attaching it back onto the tree with artificial methods will only stop a new leaf from growing out when summer comes around.

---------------------------------------

So that was what I felt around 2 weeks ago when this post started... was actually kinda feeling down back then because suddenly i thought maybe waiting isn't an option anymore... To be honest in the past I've had discussions with a few others about how it's better for girls to give guys a definite 'no' or at least be a little bit hostile... but now I think i'm starting to realize that maybe sometimes staying as friends is not so bad, it's just a matter of self control now and never letting it get to my head...

Many things have happened since then...

My dad has gone to Hong Kong and back, bought me a new violin bow and 6 tubes of badminton shuttles... but darn, due to some miscommunication apparently all of them are plastic X_X i guess they're still usable but it's just that i was kinda expecting for feathers.... sighhhhhh

Been jogging with wang and peter for like 2 times... quite good feeling afterwards but during the jog it's painful as -_- they prolly don't understand it since they're not as heavy and inactive...

neways besides that...

I've been trying to study the last few days, i've even called off a group study session that was supposed to happen this morning because the many distractions from new DS games -_-...

[Super Robot Taisen Mugen no Frontier OG Saga] has literally wasted me like 4 hours of my life trying to fix the stupid rom file!
The problem was that apparently the newly dumped DS game roms have been trying to counter piracy by altering the memory location of the save files inside a game... so basically (sorry i'll have to use some programming terms) they've altered the pointer address for the save file... and this information is stored inside the rom as [arm7.bin].

So the process to rectify this problem was to first unpack the .nds rom file with something like a DS Lazy or using arm7 patcher 1.0. Then you overwrite the existing arm7.bin with a custom programmed one so that it changes the pointer address back to what the R4/M3 cards recognize it as. Re-package the rom file and then trim (to save space!) and then lastly copy onto the mem stick and run =).

Oh oh and just regarding the last few weeks of uni... During one of the massive breaks i played taiko... and i got really tired too... i actually managed to pass another 8 songs on oni and full combo 3 other muzukashi songs =D

Also I realized that I can be a severe asshole a lot of time because I'm naturally swayed towards selfish views and aim for selfish outcomes ~_~... I hereby humbly apologize to anyone and everyone who has been a victim of this! I will strive to become less self-centered!

Now for revision... i guess i should look to my other blog that i have wrote in the past for some revisiting of my past reflection of theory! Here's the web URL: http://vsma1.blogspot.com/

OK enough blog posting i'm going to go drink another cup of paradise punch and then HC STUDY!

WISH EVERYONE A PRODUCTIVE AND INSIGHTFUL LEARNING/CRAMMING VACATION!!! AND GOOD LUCK FOR EXAMS!!!!!!

ADD OIL!
GANBATTE!
GOGOGO!

Shadowy Sickness that never subsides...

2008-05-08T13:06:00.000-07:00

I was surprised when around 1 hour ago i got woken up by something... i don't know whether it was the SMS that allan sent me or the fact that i saw a vision or something. I felt that there was a need to write the thoughts down in my brain right now since it is in such a mess.

It seems that I am always troubled/worried about my love life... I think I've established that I don't really need a relationship but would be quite fond of having one (for now at least).

So basically I'm the stupid kind of dwelling guy who regrets about the past on missed opportunities, and thus even if I said I've 'moved on' sometimes it really just isn't the case. Truth be told, after being turned down by some girl who gives you some wishy washy in between answer a "wait" and a "no" (at least that's what I interpreted it as) and then needing to stay as friends is a VERY HARD JOB... I for one will admit that i am a person full of jealousy. Whether it be the way people dress (I lack fashion sense), how popular they are, how tall they are, how smart they are, how good they are at things that I do as well or simply how they have no worries about their lives. The constant nagging of the behind of my brain will tell me "It is worthless to wait for that girl, because all waiting ever leads to is a fruitless expedition", but my brain/heart/whatever it is just stops be from entirely moving on. I'm still awestruck and moved by the heart when I get the rare occasion to talk to her, but even so I'll end up reminding myself that this is the end of the road for me.

SO basically with the nervous breakdown is because I am such an idiot and I felt somewhat uncomfortable that I heard from a friend of hers that "their group" was going to some silly ASEAN ball. The impending thought of her going to the ball all dressed up and mingling with other guys really feels like crap. I know I am in no position to say anything like this since I'm just a 'normal friend' to her but I dunno why, it just feels so shit!

When I got to the lecture it was a good turn of events when i found out she wasn't going to the ball (but I have my doubts, I wasn't paying attention to her response). I got a chance to talk to her, which was good, but in the end I guess I didn't really achieve anything except establish some silly promise to major in finance (mind you readers, this major was decided long ago and 80% of reasoning is because I didn't like the other majors) and then the hypothetical situation to "work in the same company". So what's there to make sense of for these lines of conversation? It would be fairy-tale like if she was hinting that "she simply just didn't want to start a relationship right now but she's making sure to chain me down so that I don't go anywhere". I doubt it though, as if the events in real life are on any level similar to what happens in dramas. The other case would be that she simply was just having a friendly conversation.

I was quite surprised and happy when she asked about how my violin progression, but then I kinda got tongue tied and wasted words and then lecture was forced to start =[

She seems to be fascinated by this "Xiah" whoever he is (though I hope to think it's the korean actor/singer from DBSK i think?), she's doodling pictures of her and that name in a love heart and once again I'm troubled by that thought -_-... T__________T I wish my name was in that heart! Now I'm too scared to even ask who the heck Xiah is ~_~...

On a lighter note, during that quiet lecture of around 20 or so people, half way through she made this VERY LOUD tummy grumbling sound which cracked the surrounding people up (yes that includes me =D ) and she seemed so embarrassed.

That's all I think that really happened, but due to my fatigue that was induced by the crazed rehearsal practicing for violin and silly DOTA games. I thought I had a good day of happenings but I believe I had a vision... of dread and the unbreakable fate that I am going to fail if I kept waiting for her.

>>> Sometimes I reckon I am cursed for life, because when I was a little kid, I used to say how much I despised girls and when my parents asked me at that time whether I want to get married I did the whole "YUCK" and told people no. I also wasn't very nice to girls... and yeah when I was a kid I really did hit some girl before >.>... not very proud of it all now...

Anyways back on topic, so I see this vision, but I'm confused whether it is real or not because everything in my mind right now is so mixed up I don't really know what she really said and what happened in my nightmare of a vision.

In the vision she said she has a boyfriend who's 3 years older than her but "kinda looks like you(me)". Then she was talking about how she was competing with her friend to see who's BF would "roll" faster on the floor (stay with me guys I know this is completely weird and not going anywhere at all). Then the next thing I remember is going on endlessly about her boyfriend to the point where I can't hear what's going on anymore. Then this randomly ghostly vision just disappears.

>>>> A friend of hers came to crash one of my lectures in the beginning of my semester and mentioned that because her mum was really short (and her dad not very tall), she was determined to break the tradition and wants her boyfriend to be at least 180 cm in height -_-... I don't really know if at the time the guy was hinting to ME because she spilled the beans about me confessing to her ~_~

But regardless of that now I'm feeling totally weird, as I'm typing up this blog entry like 2 hours before I'm supposed to be awake.

Sorry readers I didn't really put that whole story in perspective to make easy sense out of but my brain was so mixed up I wasn't really sure whether she really did say she has a boyfriend now and whether she really did go to the ASEAN ball.

I wish I had a geass simply for the sake of forcing the truth out of people... (like I wouldn't be an evil cunt and just say "love me" because that would just be unnatural and fabricated.

So why am I fussing on all this about adolescent love? I think it's because I'm jealous. Jealous that people have someone who they can snuggle up to. Jealous that people have someone to bring along to movies and concerts. Jealous that people can dance and take beautiful photos with their significant other. Jealous that people can sit back on a weekend and chill on a bench while sharing an ice cream cone. Jealous that people can be called by their girlfriends on the phone.

Jealous that people can prove that they can love and have a 'heart',

.......Whereas I can't?

After Orchestra Rehearsal...

2008-04-24T06:26:00.000-07:00

...after band rehearsal
when i dunked everything
into my car
and slammed my door
some curry lady
walked up to my window
and started tapping
and then
OMFG
i was so scared
thought she was gonna
murder me
or something
and hijack my car
then i saw her
hold
like all these
folders
and this BIG BLACK SUITCASE
OMG
i thought
there was like
a bomb
or illegal drugs
in the
bag
i was so friggin scared
she
asked
if i could
drive her
to the multi level carpark
i was like
...
*pauseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*
i said
OK...
and then
when she got on
she started
talking to me
like
about every topic
possible
i drove her to her car
coz she was carrying a lot of stuff
she was like
complaining about
the uni's roads
"why are there two lanes here?! it's so annoying!"
rofl
and then she started asking me
about all these weird things
i was watching her
in case
she pulled a knife
out
from somewhere
I WAS SO SCARED
YOU DIDN'T KNOW
OMFG...

A Fresh Start To An Old Idea

2008-04-21T07:08:00.000-07:00

So with the recently I've been sitting down on my computer seat and intriguing myself with blogs of others and then genuine feelings started appearing out of nowhere once again. I felt inspired to start off again and write a blog but I really doubt it would be as interesting as others but I guess I really just wanted a spot to record down what's been happening to my life since there may be good memories or ideas at moments which weren't captured and hence go to waste.

I really have no plan on what I want to write on yet, I guess as easy as it comes I'll be "reviewing" on new anime episodes or games being released. Or maybe this can just be a little window for people to know what is going on with my life or what thoughts buzz through my brain.

So expect a post sooner or later :)