25/05/2009 - 3:00 AM

Greetings all..

I just want to confess that I've awakened from my worst nightmare that I've had since i was a young kid at the age of 8 or so.

When I came to my senses of being clearly awake, I found myself uncontrollably streaking with tears. The reason is because I was having a dream where I'm standing in this type of art gallery display with drawings and photos pinned up against a wall. I can't remember the exact details but it was a pencil drawing on a piece of lined paper... The picture had seagulls (the one-lined ones like in comics) flying towards a great big ocean with the massive Sun setting in the background. On that picture was a caption and it was something along the lines of "I wanted to ask him another question, but he never came back". Tears began to well up in my eyes in the dream and for some reason I just carried the thought that my dad had died. I turned around and my brother was standing next to me too... we were both in suits and ties and he had his arm on my shoulder. It was all so silent. I just couldn't stop hiccuping. Then all these images and memories of my dad just came flashing through my head. I was crying uncontrollably and started yelling out lines like "why did you go so soon?", "I wanted to ask you so much more", "I wanted to write a book about you". It then later turned into muffled cries of "give me back my dad" and "bring him back" while I just sobbed through what seemed to be eternity.

I was then somehow awake lying in my bed facing the ceiling with tears just pouring down my face. I felt scared. I felt cheated. I didn't want to get up from the bed as I was afraid to find what I have woken up to a different and darker reality than yesterday. My knowledge of the fact that my dad has Hepititas B and was a person who would help strangers to no end didn't comfort me at all. This is because of all the recent attacks and shootings/stabbings that have been going on where a person tried to help out a stranger in public but ended up dead in the hospital or in worst cases, immediately vanishing from this world.

It's been around 45 minutes now and it has made me realize how much I truly do love my dad and mum and how I still idolize them in my lives. Looking back there have been times when I just left my dad alone and went to play fucking dota while he was dining by his lonesome self outside. I really hope later today when the Sun rises that it will be back to the reality continued from yesterday. Waking up from this nightmare really made me realize how much I neglected my parents even though I have been an obedient son.

I guess intimacy just never was a big thing in our family. My brother and I hardly ever hug our parents. Last time my mum kissed me on the cheek was like 6 years old. I guess we've really grown out of it and become a real serious family altogether which probably is far more sensible than others.

I definitely need to rethink my priorities and the way in which I spend time that I have remaining with a whole and complete family (God please forbid, I don't want this happen until I have no regrets). I definitely shouldn't be wasting time on stupid video games while they are awake. I need to talk to them, learn more about them than I already do. I want to be able to write a book about both of my parents and mark down in history the greatness that they've achieved.

I really really look up to my father for not only his incredible intelligence and achievements, but also the calm state of mind that he can practically always be in. I also entirely admire him being physically able and have the expertise and knowledge on doing so many handy-man jobs such as building garages, replacing the heater/ducts in the house, drill holes and push LAN cables through the ground so it's invisible, install air conditioners, help people build balconies and sun roofs and so much more.

I recently told him how I full-heatedly respect and admire the fact that he managed to pay off his house loan at an early age and be able to move on the typical temptations of human beings; not jealous of others wealth, fame, appearances, cars, size of their houses and lust. While some may argue that there is no true altruism in this world, I would think my father's overwhelming willingness to help people around him and not doing it for any profit or materialistic advantage truly sets him apart being the embodiment closest to what I would call altruism.

There was this one time when we went shopping at box hill. I just walked in across a set of automatic doors and my dad bolted in right away to go help an old English lady who just tripped and fell down on the escalator. We had an important appointment with the orthodontist after school but he dropped everything that he was doing at the time to first help the lady up, then spend the next 15 minutes comforting her and making sure that she was standing properly while the old lady's daughter came back to join her. It's experiences like these that are forever etched in my mind representing so much that I believe in and what my morals are built and based upon. Hopefully you readers out there can understand this is where my stubborn and silly morals come from.

He has a few sayings which in my mind, fully sets him apart from any other man that I know of...

"It doesn't matter what car a person drives, if they end up crashing then their BMW is as good as a piece of junk"

"You ask me why I pursue knowledge over anything else? That's because anything else can be taken from you. Money, clothes, cars, houses, fame, power, copyrights. Knowledge is the one thing that they cannot easily steal from you."

Not only is he enlightened and like a friendly neighborhood hero in my eyes, he is also possibly the most dependable person on Earth even without a mobile phone. It's true that in recent 2 years he has finally succumbed to rarely using his mobile, but he used to always say: "I do not need a mobile phone, I am a mobile person". This line doesn't only put a smile on my dial, but also just shows the amount of confidence that he has in himself. Surely he comes across pretty arrogant at times, but that's because he has the knowledge and credentials to back himself up with.

I would have told a few friends in the past, but that scene when I first went back to Hong Kong is always vivid in my mind. Those hands of mine were burning from the scratches that I just got. But when I looked up my father's warmth made me forget all the pain and bleeding.

Come to think of it, there are little nit picky things that I can single out which I feel more regret and guilt about than anything to do with a girl I liked/loved in the past.

There is this tiny little decoration piece that my dad keeps in his room in his shelf. This little decoration is like a rocking horse, except there is no horse and it's a little boy angel with wings that rocks backwards and forwards. This would be a memento of my childhood memories with my dad. One of the wings are bent because of my playful nature when I was a kid. I really wish I could go back into the past and not do that.

What I want to ultimately express is that I am awesomely proud of my father for who he is and will love him and the things that he does until the day that I die, and hopefully in the afterlife too (if there is such thing).

A-Z of life in 2009!

Hello my fellow readers! I've decided to use this morning to dedicate to all my loyal friends and readers a few slices of my life described by the alphabet that we all know and love...! =D

A - Answers/Applications


B - Bananas / (BLUEVO) / Brother


C - Car

D - Daily Logs

E - Eyesight

F - Father

G - Gaming

H - Health/Hot Chocolate

J - Job

I -

K -

L - Laziness

M - Mother

N -

O - Organization

P - Pains/Problems

Q - Questions

R - Relationships/Reluctance

S - Sleeping Patterns

T - Table Tennis

U - Underdog (at work)

V - Violin

W - Wins/Warcraft

X -

Y -

Z -



--Unpublished chronicles 20/03/2009

Random statement of the day

I just want to mark it down here that my views on relationships will continue to be Innocent, Pure and Naive. I know there's a lot more to take into consideration and the topic is infinitely complex, but I've decided to just not think about that stuff at all until I hit rocks and obstacles. Sorry but for me, no matter how much people say to me to make me more cautious and mature, I will always continue to have a simple and honest outlook. This innocence is part of who I was, I am and what I hope to continue to be.

something so easily achieveable, yet much overlooked...

"a state of well-being and contentment"
"a pleasurable or satisfying experience"
"good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy."
"the quality or state of being happy."

Happiness, something that probably is very easily achievable, but much overlooked.



--Unpublished chronicles 1/11/2008

Reality Check

Today I had a rather unpleasant feeling.

Although to me it was rather distant and remote, I for the first time witnessed in real life someone receiving a terrible message out of the blue.

From a simple unsuspecting phone call, a day of planned concentrated and highly efficient study transformed into a rather depressing day, though I somewhat question whether or not I have the right to be sad. Having someone you know find out about their friend passing away is definitely not the type of news that anyone would want to hear.

To me, up until today those bereaved of close friends or family due to car accidents was only a part of the ongoing media in the news. It never hit me that something so unsuspecting can happen so suddenly, and turn the world upside down for some people.

I feel guilty and useless in general. I could not say or do anything to comfort, partly due to me not knowing much about the bereaved friend's friend. I wish I was able to do something genuine and not cliche or "the things that anyone does since it's what people are meant to do". How can I be Vincent Ma and still provide some comfort or assistance? I felt really bad. I hope that silence on my part was at least not harmful to this friend's state of mind.

I guess this is also a sort of wake-up call to us all as well. Nobody knows about what is going to happen is the future, full of mysteries, surprises, shocks and unsuspecting news. Today when the home phone rang, I felt a sense of fear, thinking that something would have happened to something I know as well. I really should be prepared for things like these, huh?

The sheer notion and thought of something so unfortunate is unbearable, so I shall stop this post here and now.

Back to exam study...


* * *

As of last night, I managed to something somewhat useful and helpful for that friend, and I could sleep a lot better...

but I still feel somewhat unsettled...

Must concentrate on exam revision...

Whatever recollection i have left of it:

vincema - IT in Orgzzzz [3/12] says:
lol man
i had a fkn weirdass dream
you know that guy "aishiteru" from bored aussies
lol apparently i was at some uni or something with him
and then
it was at night
we entered the first security door of some building
and then some black man
was a security guard
came in and told us to get out
or something
we ignored him
so we enetered the next door
next thing we know, some military dudes shoved us against the wall with these plastic inflated air bags
and said
listen to orders we don't want anyone getting hurt
and then the black man ran off
then i couldn't breathe and shit
i had a gun in my hand somehow
then after a few moments
some senior officer told the dudes holding us up
to loosen a bit
and then all of a sudden the siren went off
"experiment advancing to next stage, all hands stay clear"
was in the PA system
and then omfg
a torrent of this
water
with red things inside it
washed down the hallway
mad torrent
and then the military guys let go and kept telling us to GOG OGO GO!
STAY DOWN
LIE FLAT ON GROUND
CRAWL SLOWLY AND STICK TO THE WALLS
for a while i watched my friend crawl in front of me
he was doing as they were told
he was safe
and he went up this tunnel
i crawled
but i was friggin scared
bit by bit
i arrived up to the tunnel thing
but i slipped
and fell in the middle of the corridor
where i wasn't touching the walls
then that water shit
came all over me
splashed me silly
i felt numb and shit
then i jumped up
and suddenly thought of climbing those pipes
that were leading UP
and forwards
into the unknown
some voice in my head was like
"what are you doing idiot? climb path A!"
i had nfi what was going on
lol
then i kept running along the pipes
till i reached another area
where there were maps and shit
the voice in my head kept telling me
"be careful now, make sure you hop onto the right pipe"
i looked at the map and i figured which pipes it was pointing to
then it was kinda like some teleportation shit
i teleported to the top of some airspace then flew diagonally down onto the pipe
then i started running like crazy
then some evil voice was like
"you can run but you can't hide"
"why are you running away?"
then the original voice in my head was like
"you can win, but you just dont' know how"
then some lava shit
came around me
i yelled out I DON'T CARE
and then i woke from the dream -_-

END OF STORY

Fearing for the future...

This morning when the Sun rose, it felt warm and full of life. As I glanced over its azure-ness, the sky seemed to be smiling at me. I hummed with a delighted and musical mood, while driving my short and simple car (much like what I think I am) into the distance. On the way to Monash, my brain started to converse with myself.. $5.50 for a parking ticket... or break my promise to never abuse the carpool? I was in a big fight with myself... I did not want to conform with the people who are cheating the system... yet I felt that my continuous efforts to maintain a clean record was unnoticed... because actually I was not the only one who would be so stubbornly law-abiding and rule-following.

...Then I found out I was at uni one hour too early. Which was kind of stupid... tried to help a friend fix their computer but system restore would not work... (subtract self belief) and then later met up with the friend again to hear that someone had fixed it by just deleting the files from the desktop... I felt inferior. I could not help a friend with such a simple task. Possibly it was out of my knowledge or capacity to solve the issue, but the fact that I tried and no results were happening was demoralizing.

Throughout the day, I began to think about a lot of things. Passing by some of the large trees within Monash Clayton brought me some peace and tranquility.. then a thought passed through my mind - I really wouldn't mind standing in the presence of a warm sun and gentle breeze and gaze eternally at the leaves rustling on the trees. Maybe I should go and become a hermit?

Life feels rather bland... despite being really busy with commitments and such, there is just this emptiness from within... that I cannot explain. University life feels like it's simply going day in day out, ultimately achieving nothing other than a silly certificate. Being left alone during a long break, I bought a bottle of Assam milk tea and drank it slowly while sitting in that lecture hall. I suddenly felt really tired... and sleepy.. yet it wasn't comfortable enough for me to sleep while other people were there. I must've been paranoid really. I thought I would've felt really delighted when some friends turned up to the lecture at last, but turns out the muscles of my face were just stiffened but some unknown syndrome.

From some conversations I had with a good friend, I've come to find out new changes to myself. I never really saw myself as attention seeking and totally immodest. It came as quite a great shock to me when that happened. "False modesty"... all the goodness that I saw within myself was totally destroyed in the blink of an eye. I no longer had anything to be proud of... I felt useless, and as much as everyone would probably agree, fakeness or falseness in character is terribly despised. As a result I have to admit some of these things that people say about me... because I couldn't prove them back that I wasn't as they said.

Somehow I feel afraid now, what if, sometime along the future, the real me was a totally horrible being? Feeling the obligation to believe that i'm an attention seeker doesn't really help me at all. When I look at myself now, I feel really heavy in the heart because I did not get this "attention" that I wanted. And so begins the downward spiral... to nothingness.

I can't really say life is uneventful, because I'm being really busy and there are a lot of things still bombarding me... But I am starting to feel bored, disinterested and tired of the happenings in life. "Why can't I do this? Why can't I do that?" - such questions will drill at the back of my head till I end up feeling sombre. What is it that drives me? Compliments? Pity from others? I can't understand anymore. Everything feels like a chore... The more my life continues, the less I seem to remember. Am I living in the past? I understand what has been done is done, but I am still living in the past... hoping to go back there... Why is it that life only seems to get worse and worse with commitments, work, obligations, issues and my remaining effort seems to be less and less?

My brother had said this other thing too... I seem to be lucky about a lot of little things... whereas he would be unlucky such as getting parking fines and train ticket fines. But he said that when it comes down to the important things of life, he is lucky then... whereas I'm probably not. The suddeny thought and notion of that drove my confidence further... Does that mean I'm doomed for the important things of my life? But what is truly important anyways? I'm sorry that I've totally lost direction...

I really don't know what to say or do... I feel that I can only express whatever is going through my mind here... possibly once again demanding attention... So I would like to apologize in advance if anyone does end up feeling obliged to comment. I don't know how many loyal readers are out there... Please don't be surprised if I end up becomming a zombie sooner or later.