Occassional insecurity...

Hello all, how have you all been my fellow readers?

I've had a very relaxing week at work this time round, pretty much after Wednesday we just cruised in and out. All the important decommission and the pullback projects have been scheduled and completed.

Just while I was on the all famous time-wasting utility, namely facebook, I found a rather interesting (and geeky) quiz to take. I'm sure most of you have already spent more than you wanted to on those stupid quizzes, but this "What periodic element are you?" quiz has rather interesting questions. First few were just your simple facts like whether or not you liked live music, how you react to change, what types of clothes/shoes you wear, how you handle your finances... then came this question which struck my head like a short-circuit in a light bulb.

here it is...

~People like you because...

1. You are so unpredictable.
2. You are dependable, they can always count on you.
3. You're funny, witty and can come up with quips faster than they can.
4. Your outlook on life is enviable.
5. You've bailed them out of difficult situations many times. You've even saved the lives of many.
6. Can you define the word "like"?
7. You've proven yourself a good friend many times over.
8. You are the object of their ridicule and you just sit there and take it and it doesn't bother you.

...And I was stuck, simply didn't know what to pick.

Surely this may seem like another one of my overreactions on a simple quiz which i could've randomly clicked on the most obscure answer, but this really did raise some very good questions and reminded me how I see myself in people's eyes.

For me this personal image thing is very important, but more important than that is to know how people feel towards my character, my integrity and personality. I am always thrown into dissarray as I believe I have a very erratic behaviour in terms of mood swings and the word that come firing out of my mouth.

1. You are so unpredictable.
For some friends, I think number 1 would definitely apply. Maybe even at home, ha.

2. You are dependable, they can always count on you.
Number 2 I hope is the most prevalent amongst the people who are around me. I believe this is the reason that most people can like me for at work in the least aspect.

3. You're funny, witty and can come up with quips faster than they can.
Number 3 seems to only apply to some people... I've never been under the belief that I was a funny or witty person. More often than not I would get a lot of "omg lame" stares as well as disapproving retorts even from friends who I hold dear. I'd think usually this lack of humour and extreme bad jokes deter a lot of people from starting a friendship with me. While there are somes out there who think I am ridiculously funny, I'd have to say this is just their unique opinion about me.

4. Your outlook on life is enviable.
Now number 4 is a hard one haha. I personally believe most people see me as rather independant in a lot of things I do. I'm organised enough to be academically equipped to get to class, take notes and then return above average results. Some people have always congradtulated me on how I am able to hold out on not spending money and saving it all up. I think I may have picked this one up from my dad. I guess the only thing that is really worth emo'ing about in my life is a lack of a girlfriend, haha. I'm academically capable, not entirely obese to the point where I am in a health crisis, not poor to the point where I can't enjoy luxuries or share the same interests and participate in activities/going out. I have a complete and loving family and caring brother who I almost never have qualms with. I am obedient to my parents but also loyal to my friends (as in how I'm not a rebel but I don't dob on friends either... but i will reprimand them). Generally speaking I am a pretty happy and simple person, with low expectations with life comes fewer worries, I guess that part is enviable? Also I have a feeling this has to do with why people voted that I would be a better father than most in the comparing app on facebook... LOL

5. You've bailed them out of difficult situations many times. You've even saved the lives of many.
TBH, I would be totally and utterly jealous of anyone who can truly and full-heartedly click on this answer without being unfaithful or untruthful to themselves. This might possibly what I am aiming towards, BUT! BUT I have just let people down too many times. Far too many. It's these events and things which people remember most about. All those peaceful days where you helped people out with simple tasks just gets forgotten or at least moved to the back of their heads in their sub-conciousness. I personally want to be able to save a life with my own two hands before the day I die, it would be such a great honour and morally satisfying to do so.

6. Can you define the word "like"?
EMO-TRAIN APPROACHING! Naw, just kidding. I have no questions, but I definitely have a feeling that whilst people "like" me to be my friend, I have a very weak belief that anyone would really see me as one of their cloesest friends. I haven't been that involved with any of my friends as much as I would to be able to call them extremely close friends. Well that is just my perspective of the external view of myself. I believe I treat each of my friendships with care and abudnant amount of trust. I would hardly ever willingly break or avoid a friend, even if I haven't been hanging around them or seeing them for a long time. I for one believe in that all friendships should be kept, just "for old time's sake". For this same reason that I have stated above, I am afraid of planning my 21st birthday... haven't even decided whether I should have a party or not yet... because I'm just scared... too scared that nobody would be willing to be up there to make a speech for me... not their fault, just my fault for not hanging out with people much.

EDIT: Prolly also useful to add that I reckon I don't deserve to be called a close friend, due to the lack of time that i spend around them... but for me out of sight is not out of mind. Living example is how I still keep in touch with a childhood friend who now lives on the opposite side of the earth. I also still send b'day sms's to ppl who never reply but i do it every year xP.

7. You've proven yourself a good friend many times over.
I hope this is another strong reason as to why people like me. At least from the serious point of view, I come across as "some goody-2-shoes, who will never betray you!" (hehe that rhymes). I think I have strong beliefs in my own set of morals and will rarely budge from the ground which I stand on. When people come to me for help to either find some file on the net, fix some computer, solve a math equation, help them read over their reports, or just discussion in general, I'm always willing to provide a rational response (though sometimes a more intellectual friend might be shooting down my points as I'm not articulate enough =P, I don't hate them for it, just makes me feel dumb) and hopefully cheer them up by the end of the day. I absolutely wouldn't mind being a motivator for people, giving them the push that they need through the power of idealistic words (which i truly believe in, as opposed to being harsh and realistic). On the rare occassion I have ACCIDENTALLY let some things slip from my lips which I was not meant to, but even then I managed to apologize with my sincerity... so I'm definitely a trustworthy guy! If you somehow manage to get me to verbally promise you something you can mark my words here and now that I will carry out through it. I don't usually promise people things unless I know I can absolutely uphold my end of the bargain - But if I ever do tell you I promise, I do promise.

8. You are the object of their ridicule and you just sit there and take it and it doesn't bother you.
This is exactly what caused me to pause at the question. Not because it was so hard to pick which was the most believeable one (prolly no.2 tbh) but because I have another feeling (maybe a bad one?) that this might be the real answer. I really do not want to believe it. But in a way this option does sound rather glorified if you take it from the angle that you are the one sacrificial lamb that will save mankind. If there is such interpretation, I probably won't mind being the unnoticed and unrewarded saviour of the world. I say that I don't like attention, but I probably do like it. Still, the sheet thought of being able to achieve something big, even with the tragic end to cutting my life short, I am willing to do. It is true and common that in my closest of groups I do get bagged quite a lot. I know they are all jokes and games but sometimes I just do wonder, what if I am so awkward and mentally retarded that everyone's just being nice to me because I'm inferior? I hope not. I really do hope that everyone has an equal amount of "substance" distributed uniquely across their individual traits and experiences. What I mean is, maybe people who are more ambitious would have a shorter life time or not me as trustworthy. Someone who is successful in love, career and finance might have had their own pressures and bad experiences in their early life. Etc, etc. I have noticed that recently I have a slow reaction, I think slow, but I'm able to perservere at something longer than most people. Maybe due to this, with ample time and effort, I can deliver greater results than most?


Anyhow my daily self pondering is over, hopefully you loyal readers can give me some insight, because your opinion does matter, but i'm not all ready to change myself drastically even if you do tell me you'd pick number 8 for me. =P I am who I am and I am content, proud and smiling.


EDIT: haha what i meant was what am I seen as by you guys? which of these do you think apply to me / apply to me the most :P? cheers.

V.Ma signing out~

The Reason

Today would have been an averagely cool day before 3:30 pm. After 3:30pm it was totally different. Tracking back towards the reason why I came home sulking on the 2nd day of work, today that same reason made me smile all throughout the day.

This reason is knowing someone so skillful, kind and smart and humorous at the same time. Usually you would think they would only have 3 out of the 4 traits above. This person has absolutely deserved all the good news that he gotten today. Even in these dark times and crisis, he managed to pull out strong. First landing a job with IBM through a formal graduate position procedure netting him $56,000 a year starting out. He then got another two replies from PwC and Coles at the same time. Even though there was a feeling of jealousy within me, I just couldn't stop smiling at him, as well as with him.

I always knew he had it in him. This guy managed to single-handedly impress a senior systems engineer with just a tiny script. He is more knowledgeable than any of the past IBLs before. Not only that, he really knows how to apply the things that he learns. He is an efficient and effective worker at the same time. This guy is confident, has people skills, has all the technical skills, and fits in well along with the whole corporate culture. I could not possibly thank him more just to be able to get to know him.

It really puts a smile on my face hearing such good news about people. On the way back home I also saw a girl jump up and hugged her dad and then piggy backed on him. So much happiness all around. I think I've really found out what makes me the most happy... it's possibly seeing people around me smiling and beaming out with innocent laughter.

I will mark this day as both an annoying day (due to my supervisor's last minute requests), a hilarious day (with Chris Sculthorpe at work who even gave us free speakers!), the SMS server crashing and causing us to be unable to do work there, as well as a celebratory day for mister Sean Quagliani for his success after success in his career starting point.

Signed,

Friday May 29th, 2009.

25/05/2009 - 3:00 AM

Greetings all..

I just want to confess that I've awakened from my worst nightmare that I've had since i was a young kid at the age of 8 or so.

When I came to my senses of being clearly awake, I found myself uncontrollably streaking with tears. The reason is because I was having a dream where I'm standing in this type of art gallery display with drawings and photos pinned up against a wall. I can't remember the exact details but it was a pencil drawing on a piece of lined paper... The picture had seagulls (the one-lined ones like in comics) flying towards a great big ocean with the massive Sun setting in the background. On that picture was a caption and it was something along the lines of "I wanted to ask him another question, but he never came back". Tears began to well up in my eyes in the dream and for some reason I just carried the thought that my dad had died. I turned around and my brother was standing next to me too... we were both in suits and ties and he had his arm on my shoulder. It was all so silent. I just couldn't stop hiccuping. Then all these images and memories of my dad just came flashing through my head. I was crying uncontrollably and started yelling out lines like "why did you go so soon?", "I wanted to ask you so much more", "I wanted to write a book about you". It then later turned into muffled cries of "give me back my dad" and "bring him back" while I just sobbed through what seemed to be eternity.

I was then somehow awake lying in my bed facing the ceiling with tears just pouring down my face. I felt scared. I felt cheated. I didn't want to get up from the bed as I was afraid to find what I have woken up to a different and darker reality than yesterday. My knowledge of the fact that my dad has Hepititas B and was a person who would help strangers to no end didn't comfort me at all. This is because of all the recent attacks and shootings/stabbings that have been going on where a person tried to help out a stranger in public but ended up dead in the hospital or in worst cases, immediately vanishing from this world.

It's been around 45 minutes now and it has made me realize how much I truly do love my dad and mum and how I still idolize them in my lives. Looking back there have been times when I just left my dad alone and went to play fucking dota while he was dining by his lonesome self outside. I really hope later today when the Sun rises that it will be back to the reality continued from yesterday. Waking up from this nightmare really made me realize how much I neglected my parents even though I have been an obedient son.

I guess intimacy just never was a big thing in our family. My brother and I hardly ever hug our parents. Last time my mum kissed me on the cheek was like 6 years old. I guess we've really grown out of it and become a real serious family altogether which probably is far more sensible than others.

I definitely need to rethink my priorities and the way in which I spend time that I have remaining with a whole and complete family (God please forbid, I don't want this happen until I have no regrets). I definitely shouldn't be wasting time on stupid video games while they are awake. I need to talk to them, learn more about them than I already do. I want to be able to write a book about both of my parents and mark down in history the greatness that they've achieved.

I really really look up to my father for not only his incredible intelligence and achievements, but also the calm state of mind that he can practically always be in. I also entirely admire him being physically able and have the expertise and knowledge on doing so many handy-man jobs such as building garages, replacing the heater/ducts in the house, drill holes and push LAN cables through the ground so it's invisible, install air conditioners, help people build balconies and sun roofs and so much more.

I recently told him how I full-heatedly respect and admire the fact that he managed to pay off his house loan at an early age and be able to move on the typical temptations of human beings; not jealous of others wealth, fame, appearances, cars, size of their houses and lust. While some may argue that there is no true altruism in this world, I would think my father's overwhelming willingness to help people around him and not doing it for any profit or materialistic advantage truly sets him apart being the embodiment closest to what I would call altruism.

There was this one time when we went shopping at box hill. I just walked in across a set of automatic doors and my dad bolted in right away to go help an old English lady who just tripped and fell down on the escalator. We had an important appointment with the orthodontist after school but he dropped everything that he was doing at the time to first help the lady up, then spend the next 15 minutes comforting her and making sure that she was standing properly while the old lady's daughter came back to join her. It's experiences like these that are forever etched in my mind representing so much that I believe in and what my morals are built and based upon. Hopefully you readers out there can understand this is where my stubborn and silly morals come from.

He has a few sayings which in my mind, fully sets him apart from any other man that I know of...

"It doesn't matter what car a person drives, if they end up crashing then their BMW is as good as a piece of junk"

"You ask me why I pursue knowledge over anything else? That's because anything else can be taken from you. Money, clothes, cars, houses, fame, power, copyrights. Knowledge is the one thing that they cannot easily steal from you."

Not only is he enlightened and like a friendly neighborhood hero in my eyes, he is also possibly the most dependable person on Earth even without a mobile phone. It's true that in recent 2 years he has finally succumbed to rarely using his mobile, but he used to always say: "I do not need a mobile phone, I am a mobile person". This line doesn't only put a smile on my dial, but also just shows the amount of confidence that he has in himself. Surely he comes across pretty arrogant at times, but that's because he has the knowledge and credentials to back himself up with.

I would have told a few friends in the past, but that scene when I first went back to Hong Kong is always vivid in my mind. Those hands of mine were burning from the scratches that I just got. But when I looked up my father's warmth made me forget all the pain and bleeding.

Come to think of it, there are little nit picky things that I can single out which I feel more regret and guilt about than anything to do with a girl I liked/loved in the past.

There is this tiny little decoration piece that my dad keeps in his room in his shelf. This little decoration is like a rocking horse, except there is no horse and it's a little boy angel with wings that rocks backwards and forwards. This would be a memento of my childhood memories with my dad. One of the wings are bent because of my playful nature when I was a kid. I really wish I could go back into the past and not do that.

What I want to ultimately express is that I am awesomely proud of my father for who he is and will love him and the things that he does until the day that I die, and hopefully in the afterlife too (if there is such thing).

A-Z of life in 2009!

Hello my fellow readers! I've decided to use this morning to dedicate to all my loyal friends and readers a few slices of my life described by the alphabet that we all know and love...! =D

A - Answers/Applications


B - Bananas / (BLUEVO) / Brother


C - Car

D - Daily Logs

E - Eyesight

F - Father

G - Gaming

H - Health/Hot Chocolate

J - Job

I -

K -

L - Laziness

M - Mother

N -

O - Organization

P - Pains/Problems

Q - Questions

R - Relationships/Reluctance

S - Sleeping Patterns

T - Table Tennis

U - Underdog (at work)

V - Violin

W - Wins/Warcraft

X -

Y -

Z -



--Unpublished chronicles 20/03/2009

Random statement of the day

I just want to mark it down here that my views on relationships will continue to be Innocent, Pure and Naive. I know there's a lot more to take into consideration and the topic is infinitely complex, but I've decided to just not think about that stuff at all until I hit rocks and obstacles. Sorry but for me, no matter how much people say to me to make me more cautious and mature, I will always continue to have a simple and honest outlook. This innocence is part of who I was, I am and what I hope to continue to be.

something so easily achieveable, yet much overlooked...

"a state of well-being and contentment"
"a pleasurable or satisfying experience"
"good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy."
"the quality or state of being happy."

Happiness, something that probably is very easily achievable, but much overlooked.



--Unpublished chronicles 1/11/2008

Reality Check

Today I had a rather unpleasant feeling.

Although to me it was rather distant and remote, I for the first time witnessed in real life someone receiving a terrible message out of the blue.

From a simple unsuspecting phone call, a day of planned concentrated and highly efficient study transformed into a rather depressing day, though I somewhat question whether or not I have the right to be sad. Having someone you know find out about their friend passing away is definitely not the type of news that anyone would want to hear.

To me, up until today those bereaved of close friends or family due to car accidents was only a part of the ongoing media in the news. It never hit me that something so unsuspecting can happen so suddenly, and turn the world upside down for some people.

I feel guilty and useless in general. I could not say or do anything to comfort, partly due to me not knowing much about the bereaved friend's friend. I wish I was able to do something genuine and not cliche or "the things that anyone does since it's what people are meant to do". How can I be Vincent Ma and still provide some comfort or assistance? I felt really bad. I hope that silence on my part was at least not harmful to this friend's state of mind.

I guess this is also a sort of wake-up call to us all as well. Nobody knows about what is going to happen is the future, full of mysteries, surprises, shocks and unsuspecting news. Today when the home phone rang, I felt a sense of fear, thinking that something would have happened to something I know as well. I really should be prepared for things like these, huh?

The sheer notion and thought of something so unfortunate is unbearable, so I shall stop this post here and now.

Back to exam study...


* * *

As of last night, I managed to something somewhat useful and helpful for that friend, and I could sleep a lot better...

but I still feel somewhat unsettled...

Must concentrate on exam revision...