Shadowy Sickness that never subsides...

I was surprised when around 1 hour ago i got woken up by something... i don't know whether it was the SMS that allan sent me or the fact that i saw a vision or something. I felt that there was a need to write the thoughts down in my brain right now since it is in such a mess.

It seems that I am always troubled/worried about my love life... I think I've established that I don't really need a relationship but would be quite fond of having one (for now at least).

So basically I'm the stupid kind of dwelling guy who regrets about the past on missed opportunities, and thus even if I said I've 'moved on' sometimes it really just isn't the case. Truth be told, after being turned down by some girl who gives you some wishy washy in between answer a "wait" and a "no" (at least that's what I interpreted it as) and then needing to stay as friends is a VERY HARD JOB... I for one will admit that i am a person full of jealousy. Whether it be the way people dress (I lack fashion sense), how popular they are, how tall they are, how smart they are, how good they are at things that I do as well or simply how they have no worries about their lives. The constant nagging of the behind of my brain will tell me "It is worthless to wait for that girl, because all waiting ever leads to is a fruitless expedition", but my brain/heart/whatever it is just stops be from entirely moving on. I'm still awestruck and moved by the heart when I get the rare occasion to talk to her, but even so I'll end up reminding myself that this is the end of the road for me.

SO basically with the nervous breakdown is because I am such an idiot and I felt somewhat uncomfortable that I heard from a friend of hers that "their group" was going to some silly ASEAN ball. The impending thought of her going to the ball all dressed up and mingling with other guys really feels like crap. I know I am in no position to say anything like this since I'm just a 'normal friend' to her but I dunno why, it just feels so shit!

When I got to the lecture it was a good turn of events when i found out she wasn't going to the ball (but I have my doubts, I wasn't paying attention to her response). I got a chance to talk to her, which was good, but in the end I guess I didn't really achieve anything except establish some silly promise to major in finance (mind you readers, this major was decided long ago and 80% of reasoning is because I didn't like the other majors) and then the hypothetical situation to "work in the same company". So what's there to make sense of for these lines of conversation? It would be fairy-tale like if she was hinting that "she simply just didn't want to start a relationship right now but she's making sure to chain me down so that I don't go anywhere". I doubt it though, as if the events in real life are on any level similar to what happens in dramas. The other case would be that she simply was just having a friendly conversation.

I was quite surprised and happy when she asked about how my violin progression, but then I kinda got tongue tied and wasted words and then lecture was forced to start =[

She seems to be fascinated by this "Xiah" whoever he is (though I hope to think it's the korean actor/singer from DBSK i think?), she's doodling pictures of her and that name in a love heart and once again I'm troubled by that thought -_-... T__________T I wish my name was in that heart! Now I'm too scared to even ask who the heck Xiah is ~_~...

On a lighter note, during that quiet lecture of around 20 or so people, half way through she made this VERY LOUD tummy grumbling sound which cracked the surrounding people up (yes that includes me =D ) and she seemed so embarrassed.

That's all I think that really happened, but due to my fatigue that was induced by the crazed rehearsal practicing for violin and silly DOTA games. I thought I had a good day of happenings but I believe I had a vision... of dread and the unbreakable fate that I am going to fail if I kept waiting for her.

>>> Sometimes I reckon I am cursed for life, because when I was a little kid, I used to say how much I despised girls and when my parents asked me at that time whether I want to get married I did the whole "YUCK" and told people no. I also wasn't very nice to girls... and yeah when I was a kid I really did hit some girl before >.>... not very proud of it all now...

Anyways back on topic, so I see this vision, but I'm confused whether it is real or not because everything in my mind right now is so mixed up I don't really know what she really said and what happened in my nightmare of a vision.

In the vision she said she has a boyfriend who's 3 years older than her but "kinda looks like you(me)". Then she was talking about how she was competing with her friend to see who's BF would "roll" faster on the floor (stay with me guys I know this is completely weird and not going anywhere at all). Then the next thing I remember is going on endlessly about her boyfriend to the point where I can't hear what's going on anymore. Then this randomly ghostly vision just disappears.

>>>> A friend of hers came to crash one of my lectures in the beginning of my semester and mentioned that because her mum was really short (and her dad not very tall), she was determined to break the tradition and wants her boyfriend to be at least 180 cm in height -_-... I don't really know if at the time the guy was hinting to ME because she spilled the beans about me confessing to her ~_~

But regardless of that now I'm feeling totally weird, as I'm typing up this blog entry like 2 hours before I'm supposed to be awake.

Sorry readers I didn't really put that whole story in perspective to make easy sense out of but my brain was so mixed up I wasn't really sure whether she really did say she has a boyfriend now and whether she really did go to the ASEAN ball.

I wish I had a geass simply for the sake of forcing the truth out of people... (like I wouldn't be an evil cunt and just say "love me" because that would just be unnatural and fabricated.

So why am I fussing on all this about adolescent love? I think it's because I'm jealous. Jealous that people have someone who they can snuggle up to. Jealous that people have someone to bring along to movies and concerts. Jealous that people can dance and take beautiful photos with their significant other. Jealous that people can sit back on a weekend and chill on a bench while sharing an ice cream cone. Jealous that people can be called by their girlfriends on the phone.

Jealous that people can prove that they can love and have a 'heart',





.......Whereas I can't?