Attrition (did I use this as a subject before?)

As the word suggests, Attrition is currently happening to many areas of my life.

With this new phase finally beginning, it's about time to re-asses some certain things in life. The attrition here is "time". So what I've noticed myself thinking about is:

Where am I? --> Where do I want to be? --> How do I get there? --> What paths can I take? --> Which path would be the best?

I guess I am always a sucker for spending time in spelling my thoughts out, and I don't really know where to start. Currently I would still say i'm transitioning slowly into the next stage, with heavy sorrows as I left behind the previous chapter.

I would not say that I have been off to a good start. Minus the first impressions, it is always said that time will be the test to everything - and certainly it has been testing me so. I am so glad that I have bumped into various people during this latest change of my life - they have given me new perspective and have been indirectly reinforcing the reality that I need to grow up.

What I don't understand is, why am I so afraid of being tested on a results/outcome basis when I have always been able to achieve that? Is it because now the situation is different and I don't have my accumulated experience with me to use? How come I can never feel confident about what I'm doing?

Too many questions.

Too much regret?

On the side line, certain levels of interactivity have been dropping as of late, and I fear that maybe people are finally getting tired of my eccentricities. I know that I am cheap, but I have always felt that there was something else in me that outshined all my negative qualities. If the fact that I will remain cheap causes harm to the friendships that I hold dear then I will really be put into a dilemma.

On one hand, I do not want to throw away my character, my personality which I have been so adamant in maintaining and standing by it. On the other, I realistically assess lifestyle and notice that there is no need for me to spend more than I require - as this is not my source of happiness.

A friend told me to "reward myself" and I do, just not in the way that usual people do. Spending money has never been a hobby or activity of enjoyment of mine. Just being able to get what I want from a humble sense is enough. I never really ask or want more. I fear that if I did ever let myself spend more than I need to - even just once, it would be enough to shake the grounds which my expectations were build upon. From then on, i'll spend more and my standards will increase, meaning that the expenditure will need to keep up with the standards to maintain satisfaction levles. This eventually would turn into a vicious cycle and one day I am going to fall down and hurt myself with the lack of satisfaction that I perceive at the time.

That is why I am afraid. If we spin too fast, we will spin out of orbit and lose track of our original center of gravity.

Anyways, I am probably thinking too much. I just hope that when I wake up tomorrow morning I can feel all energised again.

P.s. I miss you mum, come home soon.