Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Fearing for the future...

This morning when the Sun rose, it felt warm and full of life. As I glanced over its azure-ness, the sky seemed to be smiling at me. I hummed with a delighted and musical mood, while driving my short and simple car (much like what I think I am) into the distance. On the way to Monash, my brain started to converse with myself.. $5.50 for a parking ticket... or break my promise to never abuse the carpool? I was in a big fight with myself... I did not want to conform with the people who are cheating the system... yet I felt that my continuous efforts to maintain a clean record was unnoticed... because actually I was not the only one who would be so stubbornly law-abiding and rule-following.

...Then I found out I was at uni one hour too early. Which was kind of stupid... tried to help a friend fix their computer but system restore would not work... (subtract self belief) and then later met up with the friend again to hear that someone had fixed it by just deleting the files from the desktop... I felt inferior. I could not help a friend with such a simple task. Possibly it was out of my knowledge or capacity to solve the issue, but the fact that I tried and no results were happening was demoralizing.

Throughout the day, I began to think about a lot of things. Passing by some of the large trees within Monash Clayton brought me some peace and tranquility.. then a thought passed through my mind - I really wouldn't mind standing in the presence of a warm sun and gentle breeze and gaze eternally at the leaves rustling on the trees. Maybe I should go and become a hermit?

Life feels rather bland... despite being really busy with commitments and such, there is just this emptiness from within... that I cannot explain. University life feels like it's simply going day in day out, ultimately achieving nothing other than a silly certificate. Being left alone during a long break, I bought a bottle of Assam milk tea and drank it slowly while sitting in that lecture hall. I suddenly felt really tired... and sleepy.. yet it wasn't comfortable enough for me to sleep while other people were there. I must've been paranoid really. I thought I would've felt really delighted when some friends turned up to the lecture at last, but turns out the muscles of my face were just stiffened but some unknown syndrome.

From some conversations I had with a good friend, I've come to find out new changes to myself. I never really saw myself as attention seeking and totally immodest. It came as quite a great shock to me when that happened. "False modesty"... all the goodness that I saw within myself was totally destroyed in the blink of an eye. I no longer had anything to be proud of... I felt useless, and as much as everyone would probably agree, fakeness or falseness in character is terribly despised. As a result I have to admit some of these things that people say about me... because I couldn't prove them back that I wasn't as they said.

Somehow I feel afraid now, what if, sometime along the future, the real me was a totally horrible being? Feeling the obligation to believe that i'm an attention seeker doesn't really help me at all. When I look at myself now, I feel really heavy in the heart because I did not get this "attention" that I wanted. And so begins the downward spiral... to nothingness.

I can't really say life is uneventful, because I'm being really busy and there are a lot of things still bombarding me... But I am starting to feel bored, disinterested and tired of the happenings in life. "Why can't I do this? Why can't I do that?" - such questions will drill at the back of my head till I end up feeling sombre. What is it that drives me? Compliments? Pity from others? I can't understand anymore. Everything feels like a chore... The more my life continues, the less I seem to remember. Am I living in the past? I understand what has been done is done, but I am still living in the past... hoping to go back there... Why is it that life only seems to get worse and worse with commitments, work, obligations, issues and my remaining effort seems to be less and less?

My brother had said this other thing too... I seem to be lucky about a lot of little things... whereas he would be unlucky such as getting parking fines and train ticket fines. But he said that when it comes down to the important things of life, he is lucky then... whereas I'm probably not. The suddeny thought and notion of that drove my confidence further... Does that mean I'm doomed for the important things of my life? But what is truly important anyways? I'm sorry that I've totally lost direction...

I really don't know what to say or do... I feel that I can only express whatever is going through my mind here... possibly once again demanding attention... So I would like to apologize in advance if anyone does end up feeling obliged to comment. I don't know how many loyal readers are out there... Please don't be surprised if I end up becomming a zombie sooner or later.

Friday, September 5, 2008

More than one method to find satisfaction!

It is all good! I don't know how many of you out there are still reading this, but life has had multiple changes and lead to the ramifications of me dropping a goal that I was ardently pursuing for what seemed to be half a lifetime.

After listening to a few friends' advice, it was decided that the absolute and best option was to simply give up. Love is not true when it's forced, even though I somewhat believe in what a good friend once said: "Any two people can be together, it just depends on the circumstances that they met in"... so I guess I just screwed up bad, huh?

Even though the decision has been made, walking the walk is definitely a lot harder than talking the talk. To not seem like a snob and also retain whatever friendship was left, I had to suppress a lot of feelings which were internally warring with my consciousness. The hypothetical battle between brain and heart threw me into an ocean of chaos. At times I would feel like not letting go because I kept thinking back to the magical moments in the past, but another part forces me to look ahead and keep telling myself that "I can do better".

And then there was last night, which to my surprise, was a night of enjoyment despite my constant restraint of myself. I see myself as a utility friend for the most part, so I should really stay that way. Hence, I decided to keep maximum distance away as well as not even once glancing or looking at her. I, like every other man in the world wouldn't mind looking at pretty women when they're all dressed up fancy, but I don't know if it really is just me or not... I feel really uneasy and uncomfortable when girls are so scantily dressed like that. Sure, they are sexy and attractive, but my brain is so screwed up that it almost feels IMMORAL to look at girls when they're that pretty...

Pretty much that summed up the first and foremost weakness of mine... and in the situation of balls or prom nights, another weakness of mine is somewhat apparent... I just simply don't know how to dance, or maybe the music that was being played varied too much... or maybe I'm too worried or stressed about how people would judge me on my 'physical ability'. I was never good at anything physical, hence why I ended up being one of the more academic type people of society... I suspect the ladies all had like dance classes in the past... but I really have had absolutely no training of any sort... the other guys knew how to move, they moved smooth and they feel confident, whereas I just simply don't. If the music was slower or maybe if I knew the music then I could possibly sing along to it, which would make me look less like a fool. Either way, I really don't think dancing is the thing for me.

Girls chisel down my confidence. The topic of dancing causes my confidence drop. The dance floor feels like a high gravity zone. With all those combined, I emerge as a statue.

I don't know whether or not what I did had hurt anyone directly or indirectly, but I believed in myself to have done the right thing last night. Keeping self-respect, maintaining self-control and exerting sufficient pressure to not be consumed into anything even though I had quite a bit to drink. I wasn't snobbing, I wasn't ignoring, I was just exerting self-control. Please don't hate me for doing that, because you probably don't understand how hard it was for me to control myself.

I don't know if I have the authority or credit to claim this, but I believe I am the type of person who has the strong enough mentality will be able to block out any kind of sexual or lustful temptation or distractions in life. So hopefully I won't be committing adultery or get caught "cheating" on anyone :P. Maybe I should go become a monk...