Monday, November 3, 2008

Random statement of the day

I just want to mark it down here that my views on relationships will continue to be Innocent, Pure and Naive. I know there's a lot more to take into consideration and the topic is infinitely complex, but I've decided to just not think about that stuff at all until I hit rocks and obstacles. Sorry but for me, no matter how much people say to me to make me more cautious and mature, I will always continue to have a simple and honest outlook. This innocence is part of who I was, I am and what I hope to continue to be.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

something so easily achieveable, yet much overlooked...

"a state of well-being and contentment"
a pleasurable or satisfying experience"
good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy."
"the quality or state of being happy."

Happiness, something that probably is very easily achievable, but much overlooked.

--Unpublished chronicles 1/11/2008

Reality Check

Today I had a rather unpleasant feeling.

Although to me it was rather distant and remote, I for the first time witnessed in real life someone receiving a terrible message out of the blue.

From a simple unsuspecting phone call, a day of planned concentrated and highly efficient study transformed into a rather depressing day, though I somewhat question whether or not I have the right to be sad. Having someone you know find out about their friend passing away is definitely not the type of news that anyone would want to hear.

To me, up until today those bereaved of close friends or family due to car accidents was only a part of the ongoing media in the news. It never hit me that something so unsuspecting can happen so suddenly, and turn the world upside down for some people.

I feel guilty and useless in general. I could not say or do anything to comfort, partly due to me not knowing much about the bereaved friend's friend. I wish I was able to do something genuine and not cliche or "the things that anyone does since it's what people are meant to do". How can I be Vincent Ma and still provide some comfort or assistance? I felt really bad. I hope that silence on my part was at least not harmful to this friend's state of mind.

I guess this is also a sort of wake-up call to us all as well. Nobody knows about what is going to happen is the future, full of mysteries, surprises, shocks and unsuspecting news. Today when the home phone rang, I felt a sense of fear, thinking that something would have happened to something I know as well. I really should be prepared for things like these, huh?

The sheer notion and thought of something so unfortunate is unbearable, so I shall stop this post here and now.

Back to exam study...

* * *

As of last night, I managed to something somewhat useful and helpful for that friend, and I could sleep a lot better...

but I still feel somewhat unsettled...

Must concentrate on exam revision...

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Whatever recollection i have left of it:

vincema - IT in Orgzzzz [3/12] says:
lol man
i had a fkn weirdass dream
you know that guy "aishiteru" from bored aussies
lol apparently i was at some uni or something with him
and then
it was at night
we entered the first security door of some building
and then some black man
was a security guard
came in and told us to get out
or something
we ignored him
so we enetered the next door
next thing we know, some military dudes shoved us against the wall with these plastic inflated air bags
and said
listen to orders we don't want anyone getting hurt
and then the black man ran off
then i couldn't breathe and shit
i had a gun in my hand somehow
then after a few moments
some senior officer told the dudes holding us up
to loosen a bit
and then all of a sudden the siren went off
"experiment advancing to next stage, all hands stay clear"
was in the PA system
and then omfg
a torrent of this
with red things inside it
washed down the hallway
mad torrent
and then the military guys let go and kept telling us to GOG OGO GO!
for a while i watched my friend crawl in front of me
he was doing as they were told
he was safe
and he went up this tunnel
i crawled
but i was friggin scared
bit by bit
i arrived up to the tunnel thing
but i slipped
and fell in the middle of the corridor
where i wasn't touching the walls
then that water shit
came all over me
splashed me silly
i felt numb and shit
then i jumped up
and suddenly thought of climbing those pipes
that were leading UP
and forwards
into the unknown
some voice in my head was like
"what are you doing idiot? climb path A!"
i had nfi what was going on
then i kept running along the pipes
till i reached another area
where there were maps and shit
the voice in my head kept telling me
"be careful now, make sure you hop onto the right pipe"
i looked at the map and i figured which pipes it was pointing to
then it was kinda like some teleportation shit
i teleported to the top of some airspace then flew diagonally down onto the pipe
then i started running like crazy
then some evil voice was like
"you can run but you can't hide"
"why are you running away?"
then the original voice in my head was like
"you can win, but you just dont' know how"
then some lava shit
came around me
i yelled out I DON'T CARE
and then i woke from the dream -_-


Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Fearing for the future...

This morning when the Sun rose, it felt warm and full of life. As I glanced over its azure-ness, the sky seemed to be smiling at me. I hummed with a delighted and musical mood, while driving my short and simple car (much like what I think I am) into the distance. On the way to Monash, my brain started to converse with myself.. $5.50 for a parking ticket... or break my promise to never abuse the carpool? I was in a big fight with myself... I did not want to conform with the people who are cheating the system... yet I felt that my continuous efforts to maintain a clean record was unnoticed... because actually I was not the only one who would be so stubbornly law-abiding and rule-following.

...Then I found out I was at uni one hour too early. Which was kind of stupid... tried to help a friend fix their computer but system restore would not work... (subtract self belief) and then later met up with the friend again to hear that someone had fixed it by just deleting the files from the desktop... I felt inferior. I could not help a friend with such a simple task. Possibly it was out of my knowledge or capacity to solve the issue, but the fact that I tried and no results were happening was demoralizing.

Throughout the day, I began to think about a lot of things. Passing by some of the large trees within Monash Clayton brought me some peace and tranquility.. then a thought passed through my mind - I really wouldn't mind standing in the presence of a warm sun and gentle breeze and gaze eternally at the leaves rustling on the trees. Maybe I should go and become a hermit?

Life feels rather bland... despite being really busy with commitments and such, there is just this emptiness from within... that I cannot explain. University life feels like it's simply going day in day out, ultimately achieving nothing other than a silly certificate. Being left alone during a long break, I bought a bottle of Assam milk tea and drank it slowly while sitting in that lecture hall. I suddenly felt really tired... and sleepy.. yet it wasn't comfortable enough for me to sleep while other people were there. I must've been paranoid really. I thought I would've felt really delighted when some friends turned up to the lecture at last, but turns out the muscles of my face were just stiffened but some unknown syndrome.

From some conversations I had with a good friend, I've come to find out new changes to myself. I never really saw myself as attention seeking and totally immodest. It came as quite a great shock to me when that happened. "False modesty"... all the goodness that I saw within myself was totally destroyed in the blink of an eye. I no longer had anything to be proud of... I felt useless, and as much as everyone would probably agree, fakeness or falseness in character is terribly despised. As a result I have to admit some of these things that people say about me... because I couldn't prove them back that I wasn't as they said.

Somehow I feel afraid now, what if, sometime along the future, the real me was a totally horrible being? Feeling the obligation to believe that i'm an attention seeker doesn't really help me at all. When I look at myself now, I feel really heavy in the heart because I did not get this "attention" that I wanted. And so begins the downward spiral... to nothingness.

I can't really say life is uneventful, because I'm being really busy and there are a lot of things still bombarding me... But I am starting to feel bored, disinterested and tired of the happenings in life. "Why can't I do this? Why can't I do that?" - such questions will drill at the back of my head till I end up feeling sombre. What is it that drives me? Compliments? Pity from others? I can't understand anymore. Everything feels like a chore... The more my life continues, the less I seem to remember. Am I living in the past? I understand what has been done is done, but I am still living in the past... hoping to go back there... Why is it that life only seems to get worse and worse with commitments, work, obligations, issues and my remaining effort seems to be less and less?

My brother had said this other thing too... I seem to be lucky about a lot of little things... whereas he would be unlucky such as getting parking fines and train ticket fines. But he said that when it comes down to the important things of life, he is lucky then... whereas I'm probably not. The suddeny thought and notion of that drove my confidence further... Does that mean I'm doomed for the important things of my life? But what is truly important anyways? I'm sorry that I've totally lost direction...

I really don't know what to say or do... I feel that I can only express whatever is going through my mind here... possibly once again demanding attention... So I would like to apologize in advance if anyone does end up feeling obliged to comment. I don't know how many loyal readers are out there... Please don't be surprised if I end up becomming a zombie sooner or later.

Friday, September 5, 2008

More than one method to find satisfaction!

It is all good! I don't know how many of you out there are still reading this, but life has had multiple changes and lead to the ramifications of me dropping a goal that I was ardently pursuing for what seemed to be half a lifetime.

After listening to a few friends' advice, it was decided that the absolute and best option was to simply give up. Love is not true when it's forced, even though I somewhat believe in what a good friend once said: "Any two people can be together, it just depends on the circumstances that they met in"... so I guess I just screwed up bad, huh?

Even though the decision has been made, walking the walk is definitely a lot harder than talking the talk. To not seem like a snob and also retain whatever friendship was left, I had to suppress a lot of feelings which were internally warring with my consciousness. The hypothetical battle between brain and heart threw me into an ocean of chaos. At times I would feel like not letting go because I kept thinking back to the magical moments in the past, but another part forces me to look ahead and keep telling myself that "I can do better".

And then there was last night, which to my surprise, was a night of enjoyment despite my constant restraint of myself. I see myself as a utility friend for the most part, so I should really stay that way. Hence, I decided to keep maximum distance away as well as not even once glancing or looking at her. I, like every other man in the world wouldn't mind looking at pretty women when they're all dressed up fancy, but I don't know if it really is just me or not... I feel really uneasy and uncomfortable when girls are so scantily dressed like that. Sure, they are sexy and attractive, but my brain is so screwed up that it almost feels IMMORAL to look at girls when they're that pretty...

Pretty much that summed up the first and foremost weakness of mine... and in the situation of balls or prom nights, another weakness of mine is somewhat apparent... I just simply don't know how to dance, or maybe the music that was being played varied too much... or maybe I'm too worried or stressed about how people would judge me on my 'physical ability'. I was never good at anything physical, hence why I ended up being one of the more academic type people of society... I suspect the ladies all had like dance classes in the past... but I really have had absolutely no training of any sort... the other guys knew how to move, they moved smooth and they feel confident, whereas I just simply don't. If the music was slower or maybe if I knew the music then I could possibly sing along to it, which would make me look less like a fool. Either way, I really don't think dancing is the thing for me.

Girls chisel down my confidence. The topic of dancing causes my confidence drop. The dance floor feels like a high gravity zone. With all those combined, I emerge as a statue.

I don't know whether or not what I did had hurt anyone directly or indirectly, but I believed in myself to have done the right thing last night. Keeping self-respect, maintaining self-control and exerting sufficient pressure to not be consumed into anything even though I had quite a bit to drink. I wasn't snobbing, I wasn't ignoring, I was just exerting self-control. Please don't hate me for doing that, because you probably don't understand how hard it was for me to control myself.

I don't know if I have the authority or credit to claim this, but I believe I am the type of person who has the strong enough mentality will be able to block out any kind of sexual or lustful temptation or distractions in life. So hopefully I won't be committing adultery or get caught "cheating" on anyone :P. Maybe I should go become a monk...

Thursday, August 21, 2008

It's a bird, no it's a plane, no... it's...



Saturday, August 9, 2008

New fascinations that come to mind


So as I have promised (or 'said', i suppose) I have posted a new post on my blog!

Today, the 3 (+1 adoptive) glennies joined forces to defeat the evil mastermind of FIT2002 Project Management!

Vic viper using technology while i'm still using pen and paper... G_G... but yeah what a mess on the table! lol Drinho ftw... cheap asian drinks!

except Cindy didn't take a photo of herself while she exploited my camera :(

Later went to Kowloon Cafe for some pro food. Koo dawg and Vic viper bought chao kuey tiao while I ate salt and pepper fried chicken on rice!

Rushed down to monash for my melbourne bands festival but apparently turned out to be tomorrow! (which is actually today since i spent 2 hours to write this stupid blog post!)

Then when my bro came home, he gave me some M&Ms

For geeky in-jokes, the white M&M is Suzaku/Spinzaku and the black one is Zero or Le Douche.

lololol wasted today just singing randomly to two people who must not be named LOLOL via some method that also CANNOT BE NAMED LOLOLOL

anyways hope you enjoy the rare photos that I take... i'm gonna take more photos now

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

In the greatest and warmest memories of...

So after a long busy schedule filled with deadly exams, challenging questions and arm breaking script writing, a break finally has occurred! For those who don't know, I am studying a double degree of Commerce and Business Information Systems at Monash (Mownass) University. The three exams I have completed so far are Systems Analysis & Design, Business and Economic Statistics, and last but not least Management. Overall I would say that I have been quite impressed with my exam performance just based on intuition, but the marks will have the final say of that when the unit results come back =P.

Now quickly returning to the point of this post. A recent event within my family tree has ultimately led to the passing away of a far, yet close relative.

Though somewhat distant, I can only hope to touch the surface of my grandfather's image stemming from my thoughts and memories.

The unyielding might and valour of a horse...

Rest in peace, beloved grandfather

10th of June, 2008

馬長 (Ma Cheung in Cantonese or Ma Chang in Mandarin) - He was the youngest child of his family, bearing painful memories of the second world war when the Japanese invaded China; taking away his parents, every sibling except for the immediate older sister. His father (my great grandfather) was the mayor of his small town in a southern province of China (near Guang Zhou). With these painful losses he had a genuine feeling of resentment whenever anyone nearby is talking about the Japanese. As with many of his generation, I know that at heart he was a patriotic China man because he talked more than often about the great homeland of China and their successes in the world. He got married with my grandmother and then started having his own family down in Hong Kong.

爺爺 (Ye Ye/Grandfather in Cantonese and Mandarin) is a proud father of 5 kids: my father, 2nd uncle, big aunt and small aunt (to distinct the order) and a final uncle. My father was his firstborn and probably has the closest resemblance in personality to himself, being the hard-working and practical man always with the duty to contribute something useful and believed in properness of living. I am not totally knowledgeable of his relationship with my father but I know that 爺爺 really loves all his kids. The 2nd uncle in particular, who he always seem to favour, spoil and cherish more so than his other kids. His love of his country was so strong that it reflected into the ways he treated his children. 2nd Uncle always wanted to go back to mainland to work and study - and 爺爺 was definitely proud of that. 爺爺 always told me and my brother to listen to our father and cherish him probably because he realizes not only with his favouritism, but also the hardships and tribulations that them two endured through early life were very tough and stole away a lot of my father's childhood.

In desperate times, he managed to foster a fascination for driving cars at a young age, and rather soon it latched onto the form of his life-long career as a government bus driver. I've always admired his driving, though I regretfully cannot remember any experiences of being driven around, I've gathered that he had never ever had any accidents in his 60 years of driving. He was always a safe and reliable driver - never taking part in any accident and never giving up. Despite his advanced age, he saw his mission of driving as a continual contribution to society. Not just a temporary duty, but for him it was an eternal, never-ending goal to provide a safe and welcoming bus ride to customers who are waiting for successful trip to completing the next part of their lives whether it'd be meeting loved ones or just part of their travels. Up to the last and final year of his life he had kept driving, for a senior aged 76 I am more than amazed and also very, very proud that he never gave up driving and contributing to society in a fully proper and glorified manner.

As expected, 爺爺 was somewhat conservative, and never stopped his complaints against my generation's children incorporating technology into their lives so much. Despite his comments, he is always holding onto 2 or 3 or maybe even 4 mobile phones. Looking back to 7 months ago when I revisited Hong Kong, I am glad that even though it was such a small and menial task, I fixed my grandfather's mobile phone time settings and taught him how to open SMS messages. At least I know that I haven't just been a nuisance to his life =P. Despite the busy technologically infested state of Hong Kong he manages to live his practical life without much reliance.

During the early stages of my life when I lived in Hong Kong I can vague remember having weekly visits to 爺爺's place. It was a small but cozy flat on the "other floor" of 13th Building in Ngau Tau Kok. The reason why I say "other floor" because the elevator only had two buttons :P it was either up or down! The flat was decorated with light green creamy tones and filled with tables, desks and couches. In my last memory of it, the center is now very empty and the once dividing wall between the bed and the flat is now taken down. There also used to be this brown wooden Mah Jong-like table that had these little drawers where you place the chips, only it was filled with Lego pieces for any children that happened to visit. The left hand side had photos hanging high up against the corner of the ceiling of every one of 爺爺's children getting married. All of those photos had two versions - one traditional Chinese wedding and the other was the Western style that we are all accustomed to. I remember having a few long chats with 爺爺 in that very room, and him showing me all the photos of my dad's generation when they were kids.

At the back of the flat used to be a large brown birdcage with a cockatoo inside. Having used it to play pranks on uncles and aunties, it was a memorable part of the flat. I was saddened to find that he was gone as I stared emptily into the kitchen space. Right next to the kitchen was just a tiny secluded corner just enough space for a person to take a shower. I remember i took a shower there once and it was not very comforting! The ground was basically just small pieces of tiles and when you walk in there with bare feet the tiles scrape and tickle your feet at the same time, causing much frustration while trying to concentrate on washing. The kitchen just comprised of two stoves and one small sink. I remember my dad took us there to melt candles into a big bowl of wax, only because they had banned melting wax outside in the hallways. Although small, my grandfather's flat was full of fun and memories and represented the harsh lifestyle in his generation.

Aside from the weekly visits, he would always take us down to the canteen-like restaurant to eat dinner. My profound craving for 白飯魚 came from this little restaurant. That restaurant had memorable things too. My grandfather and parents would shout a lot due to the noisy cooking occurring in the kitchen and once in a while there would be a loud thud. These noises came from the never-ending swarm mosquitoes that foolishly flew into the blue light and got zapped. During my last visit, the restaurant had already closed down and once again a heavy feeling of loss came over me. Aside from the small weekly dinners, we also had those grand family gatherings that any Asian child knows best as those loud, shout-across-the-table type dinners - only that this one had cool and close cousins instead of the annoying ones. I can't remember the names of the restaurants in Hong Kong anymore since they're perpetually changing, but there is this one restaurant that sits atop a high elevated area only accessible via a sky bridge (Is that what it's called in English?). That restaurant is where my grandfather would always hold his family gatherings when we were all young and energetic. Now the ritual has be shifted to my smallest uncle's apartment rooftop as a hotpot and Hong Kong style barbecue. One of my biggest regrets is that 爺爺 has invited me and my family to so many meals, I wasn't able to return him any. He said to pay him back for meals when I become a true adult with a proper job and I have achieved neither yet.

After we moved to Australia, it was not long before the adventurous side of 爺爺 surfaced as he rushed himself to visit us over here in Australia. I remembered it roughly as when I was 5. If any of you happened to visit my house before you will notice the memorable steep driveway that we have. It was 爺爺 and dad's combined father and son effort that smoothened it out. The driveway used to be far more steep and scratched the bottom of the car each time it traversed across. Their combined practical prowess not only completed the whole driveway's concrete remodeling, but also planting those iconic oriental bamboos to the side of our driveway. (It was sad that due to a renewing of the fence with neighbors a few bamboo plants had to be pulled down.) I also somewhat remember that during his first visit over here, 爺爺 loved the raisin bread that was sold at Safeway.

During his most recent visit, which I think was around in 2003, he came over and gave us a magnificent present of a set of clay teapot and cups. They were bright orange-brown and had this rice symbol on them. We drank many miniature cups of tea during his stay. It was then that 爺爺 commented on our lack of physical activity and that we were not contributing to society or doing us any good by being stuck to the computer playing video games. I want to acknowledge that I agree this but I think I've grown a deep addiction to the computer now - it would be like driving to 爺爺 is computers to me. It is also in this moment that one of my most memorable moments was during a deep and meaningful talk when he lectured us. The Chinese saying he used was "對事唔對人" which translated to "attack the issue, not the person". It really was a milestone conversation for me as what I had learned was the direct meaning of the saying, which brings me closer to becoming a fairer person and holding attitudes and values that contribute rather than disrupt society. Despite living so far away, the distance and the boundaries of the wide oceans did not stop 爺爺's love. His efforts to communicate this will always be remembered within my forever touched heart.

Seven months ago, when I revisited my home town to visit my beloved relatives, I finally managed to have the honour of meeting the new member that had been born into our family tree nicknamed 小小超.

The circle of life goes on...

With deepest sadness one life moves on, as another is born into the world...

爺爺 has always been fond of him - full of energy and cuteness. 爺爺 would often visit my small uncle around twice a week even though it took around a full hour to travel to the place via train and taxi. Once again his continual dedication to the family is unfathomable, only ever relying on his own heart as a source of motivation to bring smiles and happiness to those around. I hope I will be able to deliver these feelings and thoughts to 小小超 in the future as regretfully he may not be able to remember 爺爺 at such a young age.

I will never forget the memories, experiences and conversations that we have shared. I truly admire your 毅力 (willpower) , 熱情 (enthusiasm), and 熱愛祖國的精神 (patriotism). Up until my last memory of you, you were not frail - but strong. There are not that many grandfathers in the world at an advanced age like you who can still help their grandson carry a thirty kilogram suitcase up across a set of stairs, a sky bridge and all the way to the airport. In reality that thirty kilogram bulk was heavy for a man in his 70s, but his never-extinguishing passion to help his loved ones grants him the power to lift carry any burden within the world.

I hereby close this chapter of my life, as important it is to immerse myself in the memory of my lost grandfather, I must move on with life in order to make him proud as a descendant of the Ma family.

-Vincent Ma, 馬思賢字

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Pre-exam procrastination


Well today is a Tuesday so I'll start off by saying BADMINTON IS FUN!
I really musn't forget it haha, but with most things they tend to lose its spark or fun after a while (or at least not as noticeable).

I've still got much to learn (sorry Gimher sensei =[ ) but I guess practice shall make perfect!
Funny how I don't really feel much guilt anymore by overplaying the courts like crazy... $13.60 for 3 hours LOL... gawd we are ripping off Monash Sports so much!
It's not news that I suck at sports but I kinda feel bad for whoever gets me as teammate :P (we had to use "black or white" to determine teams and the other person usually sighed or swore when he got paired with me)

As per normal badminton day, I got smashed somewhere in my body with brutal force. This time the shuttle decided to crash land onto the middle bridge of my glasses... GOOD THING FOR STEEL FRAMES! (I am IRON MAN RAWR, ok maybe not)

Too bad the shuttles that my dad brought back from HK sucked :( oh well I guess those can be for smash practice.

After baddy, went home to shower/eat lunch/rest... until 4 pm then started studying again -_- sigh I really am getting too lazy. Can't even concentrate for a solid hour of study anymore.

Facebooked a little... and then I dunno, now I'm stuck blogging?

FIT2001 - Systems Analysis and Design seems to be harder than I thought -_-... so much reading *sigh*

Neways it's depressing how suddenly without any reason certain people can seem so far away.
Similarly, events in life can change so fast and that applies to people too.

I'm not too into publicizing about my life matters too much, but my grandfather has become very ill in a very short time frame in Hong Kong. That's kinda the main reason why my dad went back, to visit him while he still has a concious mind. 6 months ago when I was still enjoying my holiday in Hong Kong I remember him as an old but strong man who's dedication and persistence I admired. Back then he was still working as a bus driver for school excursions nearly every day. 6 months later he ends up having to stay in bed for the majority of the day, only able to stay awake for 5 hours or so and can't even walk more than 500 metres. :(

It's strange because I've never lost a grandparent before, hence I don't know how to feel. Is it normal for grandparents to pass away this soon? I always thought that they would be able to watch me graduate and get married. Maybe my thinking is too farfetched and fanciful. After thinking about this I kinda want to be married early, since that would mean that my dad will be able to watch another generation mature.

All this thinking is doing me no good ><><

Fare thee well readers, till next time!

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Month of Autumn...

So I just suddenly realized that it is Autumn!

Some may describe this season is a season of departure, as memories and feelings detach and get discarded to the ground like the leaves. I've come to feel like Autumn now, trees reaching the end of their beauty and slowly degrading away until they have no leaves left. These leaves might signify feelings for a certain individual. Forcing too hard to try to hold onto the leaf by attaching it back onto the tree with artificial methods will only stop a new leaf from growing out when summer comes around.


So that was what I felt around 2 weeks ago when this post started... was actually kinda feeling down back then because suddenly i thought maybe waiting isn't an option anymore... To be honest in the past I've had discussions with a few others about how it's better for girls to give guys a definite 'no' or at least be a little bit hostile... but now I think i'm starting to realize that maybe sometimes staying as friends is not so bad, it's just a matter of self control now and never letting it get to my head...

Many things have happened since then...

My dad has gone to Hong Kong and back, bought me a new violin bow and 6 tubes of badminton shuttles... but darn, due to some miscommunication apparently all of them are plastic X_X i guess they're still usable but it's just that i was kinda expecting for feathers.... sighhhhhh

Been jogging with wang and peter for like 2 times... quite good feeling afterwards but during the jog it's painful as -_- they prolly don't understand it since they're not as heavy and inactive...

neways besides that...

I've been trying to study the last few days, i've even called off a group study session that was supposed to happen this morning because the many distractions from new DS games -_-...

[Super Robot Taisen Mugen no Frontier OG Saga] has literally wasted me like 4 hours of my life trying to fix the stupid rom file!
The problem was that apparently the newly dumped DS game roms have been trying to counter piracy by altering the memory location of the save files inside a game... so basically (sorry i'll have to use some programming terms) they've altered the pointer address for the save file... and this information is stored inside the rom as [arm7.bin].

So the process to rectify this problem was to first unpack the .nds rom file with something like a DS Lazy or using arm7 patcher 1.0. Then you overwrite the existing arm7.bin with a custom programmed one so that it changes the pointer address back to what the R4/M3 cards recognize it as. Re-package the rom file and then trim (to save space!) and then lastly copy onto the mem stick and run =).

Oh oh and just regarding the last few weeks of uni... During one of the massive breaks i played taiko... and i got really tired too... i actually managed to pass another 8 songs on oni and full combo 3 other muzukashi songs =D

Also I realized that I can be a severe asshole a lot of time because I'm naturally swayed towards selfish views and aim for selfish outcomes ~_~... I hereby humbly apologize to anyone and everyone who has been a victim of this! I will strive to become less self-centered!

Now for revision... i guess i should look to my other blog that i have wrote in the past for some revisiting of my past reflection of theory! Here's the web URL:

OK enough blog posting i'm going to go drink another cup of paradise punch and then HC STUDY!



Thursday, May 8, 2008

Shadowy Sickness that never subsides...

I was surprised when around 1 hour ago i got woken up by something... i don't know whether it was the SMS that allan sent me or the fact that i saw a vision or something. I felt that there was a need to write the thoughts down in my brain right now since it is in such a mess.

It seems that I am always troubled/worried about my love life... I think I've established that I don't really need a relationship but would be quite fond of having one (for now at least).

So basically I'm the stupid kind of dwelling guy who regrets about the past on missed opportunities, and thus even if I said I've 'moved on' sometimes it really just isn't the case. Truth be told, after being turned down by some girl who gives you some wishy washy in between answer a "wait" and a "no" (at least that's what I interpreted it as) and then needing to stay as friends is a VERY HARD JOB... I for one will admit that i am a person full of jealousy. Whether it be the way people dress (I lack fashion sense), how popular they are, how tall they are, how smart they are, how good they are at things that I do as well or simply how they have no worries about their lives. The constant nagging of the behind of my brain will tell me "It is worthless to wait for that girl, because all waiting ever leads to is a fruitless expedition", but my brain/heart/whatever it is just stops be from entirely moving on. I'm still awestruck and moved by the heart when I get the rare occasion to talk to her, but even so I'll end up reminding myself that this is the end of the road for me.

SO basically with the nervous breakdown is because I am such an idiot and I felt somewhat uncomfortable that I heard from a friend of hers that "their group" was going to some silly ASEAN ball. The impending thought of her going to the ball all dressed up and mingling with other guys really feels like crap. I know I am in no position to say anything like this since I'm just a 'normal friend' to her but I dunno why, it just feels so shit!

When I got to the lecture it was a good turn of events when i found out she wasn't going to the ball (but I have my doubts, I wasn't paying attention to her response). I got a chance to talk to her, which was good, but in the end I guess I didn't really achieve anything except establish some silly promise to major in finance (mind you readers, this major was decided long ago and 80% of reasoning is because I didn't like the other majors) and then the hypothetical situation to "work in the same company". So what's there to make sense of for these lines of conversation? It would be fairy-tale like if she was hinting that "she simply just didn't want to start a relationship right now but she's making sure to chain me down so that I don't go anywhere". I doubt it though, as if the events in real life are on any level similar to what happens in dramas. The other case would be that she simply was just having a friendly conversation.

I was quite surprised and happy when she asked about how my violin progression, but then I kinda got tongue tied and wasted words and then lecture was forced to start =[

She seems to be fascinated by this "Xiah" whoever he is (though I hope to think it's the korean actor/singer from DBSK i think?), she's doodling pictures of her and that name in a love heart and once again I'm troubled by that thought -_-... T__________T I wish my name was in that heart! Now I'm too scared to even ask who the heck Xiah is ~_~...

On a lighter note, during that quiet lecture of around 20 or so people, half way through she made this VERY LOUD tummy grumbling sound which cracked the surrounding people up (yes that includes me =D ) and she seemed so embarrassed.

That's all I think that really happened, but due to my fatigue that was induced by the crazed rehearsal practicing for violin and silly DOTA games. I thought I had a good day of happenings but I believe I had a vision... of dread and the unbreakable fate that I am going to fail if I kept waiting for her.

>>> Sometimes I reckon I am cursed for life, because when I was a little kid, I used to say how much I despised girls and when my parents asked me at that time whether I want to get married I did the whole "YUCK" and told people no. I also wasn't very nice to girls... and yeah when I was a kid I really did hit some girl before >.>... not very proud of it all now...

Anyways back on topic, so I see this vision, but I'm confused whether it is real or not because everything in my mind right now is so mixed up I don't really know what she really said and what happened in my nightmare of a vision.

In the vision she said she has a boyfriend who's 3 years older than her but "kinda looks like you(me)". Then she was talking about how she was competing with her friend to see who's BF would "roll" faster on the floor (stay with me guys I know this is completely weird and not going anywhere at all). Then the next thing I remember is going on endlessly about her boyfriend to the point where I can't hear what's going on anymore. Then this randomly ghostly vision just disappears.

>>>> A friend of hers came to crash one of my lectures in the beginning of my semester and mentioned that because her mum was really short (and her dad not very tall), she was determined to break the tradition and wants her boyfriend to be at least 180 cm in height -_-... I don't really know if at the time the guy was hinting to ME because she spilled the beans about me confessing to her ~_~

But regardless of that now I'm feeling totally weird, as I'm typing up this blog entry like 2 hours before I'm supposed to be awake.

Sorry readers I didn't really put that whole story in perspective to make easy sense out of but my brain was so mixed up I wasn't really sure whether she really did say she has a boyfriend now and whether she really did go to the ASEAN ball.

I wish I had a geass simply for the sake of forcing the truth out of people... (like I wouldn't be an evil cunt and just say "love me" because that would just be unnatural and fabricated.

So why am I fussing on all this about adolescent love? I think it's because I'm jealous. Jealous that people have someone who they can snuggle up to. Jealous that people have someone to bring along to movies and concerts. Jealous that people can dance and take beautiful photos with their significant other. Jealous that people can sit back on a weekend and chill on a bench while sharing an ice cream cone. Jealous that people can be called by their girlfriends on the phone.

Jealous that people can prove that they can love and have a 'heart',

.......Whereas I can't?

Thursday, April 24, 2008

After Orchestra Rehearsal...

...after band rehearsal
when i dunked everything
into my car
and slammed my door
some curry lady
walked up to my window
and started tapping
and then
i was so scared
thought she was gonna
murder me
or something
and hijack my car
then i saw her
like all these
i thought
there was like
a bomb
or illegal drugs
in the
i was so friggin scared
if i could
drive her
to the multi level carpark
i was like
i said
and then
when she got on
she started
talking to me
about every topic
i drove her to her car
coz she was carrying a lot of stuff
she was like
complaining about
the uni's roads
"why are there two lanes here?! it's so annoying!"
and then she started asking me
about all these weird things
i was watching her
in case
she pulled a knife
from somewhere

Monday, April 21, 2008

A Fresh Start To An Old Idea

So with the recently I've been sitting down on my computer seat and intriguing myself with blogs of others and then genuine feelings started appearing out of nowhere once again. I felt inspired to start off again and write a blog but I really doubt it would be as interesting as others but I guess I really just wanted a spot to record down what's been happening to my life since there may be good memories or ideas at moments which weren't captured and hence go to waste.

I really have no plan on what I want to write on yet, I guess as easy as it comes I'll be "reviewing" on new anime episodes or games being released. Or maybe this can just be a little window for people to know what is going on with my life or what thoughts buzz through my brain.

So expect a post sooner or later :)