RIDICULOUS RELEVATIONS In this Springtime

Hello fellow readers of this terribly inactive and whinge and whine-intensive blog.

I have more confessions to make regarding my current life.

I just feel so insanely stupid all of a sudden.

Gosh, I don't really know if people used to call me smart because they genuinely thought I was smart, but come to realize haven't I been portraying myself as a COMPLETE idiot all along? I TRY to SOUND intelligent but that is really all just through the words. Anybody who knows me well enough will just utterly and completely get annoyed by the ways I do things: ranging from washing vegetables for a salad to "bringing a knife" for a barbecue. I've got more recent examples to come as well:

INTELLIGENCE

A: I really don't seem to think before I say things - and don't put enough consideration and weighting on my so-called "promises". Sorry to a certain close friend, I let my slippery tongue slip again, and thanks for letting me off easy just with a single punch to the arm (that didn't really amount to any force at all). It really all came from me chatting in the presence of others and bringing up the fact that a certain friend caused another friend to become estranged due to friendliness misunderstood as love. I really have trouble CONSCIOUSLY remembering certain long term promises that I make to people, like especially the secret keeping types. ARGH!

Adding on top of that, there are certain things which I thought was intellectually stimulating is being brushed off by people as common sense put into big words. Marketing would be a great example. According to friends Winnie and Julian (and actually many more), the entire unit of marketing at Monash University is a waste of time. Stupid. Trash. They reckon it's using big words to sum up common sense that a decent person should have accquired in their life so far. The fact that I find it interesting must mean that I'm lacking that common sense and am actually just a useless baby who's aged 21. Man, I'm starting to think that even a 12 year old is more mature than me. (though it is an interesting fact that kids are getting MUCH smarter these days)

SOCIAL SKILLS

B: Adding more to this, I am so socially inept that I MORE OFTEN THAN NOT say really RETARDED things which are really inconsistent with what I set out to become as a person. Most recent example: I was sitting at a table at dinner with some friends. They all bring out reasonably interesting things to say. Before I left my good friend speak, I tell her to "WAIT" and then just bragged outright to the whole table that the monthly interest in my bank account is enough to pay off my phone bill... OK COME AGAIN, DID YOU JUST INDIRECTLY TRY TO BRAG TO PEOPLE THAT YOU ARE RICH? Far out Vincent Ma. You IDIOT! Why the hell did you go and say that? You have given the impression that you are UP YOURSELF or maybe just made a fool of yourself because everyone is secretly laughing in their head "what a noob, he earns $30 interest per month and he thinks he is rich". ARGH. My perception of wealth is truly awkwardly skewed. Here I thought by being a non-spender myself I could stand proud and think I'm ahead of most people in finances... HOW WRONG WAS I...[continued to part C]

Moreover, I tend brush off people's conversation points like nothing and keep resetting the focus to myself, gosh i'm so self centred I hate it. Either I have physical hearing problems, or my consciousness is so selfish that my brain refuses to take note of what other people are saying. I am hating myself so much for this. I apologize to anyone and probably everyone for "ignoring what they say". This seems to happen EVERYWHERE I go, face to face conversations, MSN, calling on the phone, texting and etc. I seem to end things on an awkward note.

FINANCE MANAGEMENT

C: Okay so regarding that Finance matter. I always thought that I was more 'smart' with managing my finances through one simple solution: don't spend unless you ABSOLUTELY need to. Obviously as a fellow citizen who's bloodline hailed from the town of Hong Kong one would expect me to be stingy and manage to find ways to economize my hobbies and activities through piracy. (I have made a silly excuse that I don't currently have enough money, so I justify my own piracy in hope that once I get a decent job, I will purchase music, games and movies that I want.) I digress. I am currently AWFULLY JEALOUS of others' gain in shares and stocks. I try to find some retarded personal reasoning out of it, but really can't - I'm just a sore loser whinging and whining trying to make myself sound justified for not being as active with investing and taking risks. But seriously that $20,000 capital gain sounds insane. Either I'm still naive or I'm just not cut out to be a businessman. Which leads on to the question of "what the F**K am I doing with my life right now?"

PURPOSE IN LIFE

D: Ever since work placement finished at Coles I always felt something was missing. A proper purpose. Something to improve on. I have told you guys MANY TIMES OVER, but I still want to get fit, be pro at violin. OK no more hiding, I have gained a ridiculous amount of weight even during all this exam time pressure it's scary and I regret it. I weighed myself at like 74KG before exam period and thought it was OKAY, you just got LAZY the whole sem, so a month of good exercise will do the trick... EXCEPT NOT. Instead, in the past three weeks, I've managed to put on another WHOPPING 3 KGs... so now at an all time high 77 KG... I HAVE NOT EVER BEEN HEAVIER IN MY LIFE TIME... Only realizing it now is so depressing and saddening. Far out, and my target was to make sure I got to low mid to high 60s. EPIC FAIL VINCENT MA. You also let down your aunty, couldn't uphold the promise that you would go and exercise and keep fit. Victor also mentioned that the best time to exercise is NOW. According to him I only have like 2 more years before the peak of energy is gone. So if I want to work at it, I need to start NOW, PRONTO. I tried poorly today to take a jog, but due to the intense heat and laziness, I ran away like a coward.

I also seem to have a lot of farfetched and fantastical thoughts in my brain. None of it really is relaistic enough to take physical form in this world. I am a dreamer and not a liver. Example right now: Me and two guy friends start talking about chicks (I still remember talking to Jasmine that I would never use this term to refer to the fairer sex but looks like I ended up succumbing in the end... I hate myself for not following through), we obviously share our messed up and insane obsessive opinions about "which one is more attractive". Then somehow they FORCE/BAIT ME to post some links to pictures of people. They start asking the embarassing questions and interrogation. "Who is that girl?". "Vince you pimp". OK GUYS JOKES ARE OK, but WHY BAIT ME... Is it really amusing to you? Originally nothing was happening and nothing is meant to happen. I simply thought "ok, she was a nice person", but then same as usual, people like to EXAGGERATE about these things. Start to tell me "oh you are so keen on her", which is NOT THE CASE AT ALL. I guess this is what people would be calling "collapsing under peer-pressure". In the end people think it's a big deal, but I think it's not. I keep trying to tell them it's not but they take me as a joke and keep enticing me to the idea, which leads me on to believing there is actually something going on. If you assess the facts objectively, it's quite retarded to think a relationship could sprout from me just knowing this person as a 'friend' and that we were meeting up on a holiday trip overseas. WHY WOULD YOU EVER START THINKING ABOUT PEOPLE IN THAT WAY WHEN YOU'VE ONLY MET THEM LIKE THREE TIMES? Guys, I seriously have only talked to her in person like around twice... and those conversations didn't last more than ten minutes. Sigh, I am so ignorantly superficial.

ANNOYANCES IN THE HOUSEHOLD

E: One thing that has been shitting me a lot recently at home was noticing how my parents are starting to turn into annoying grannies and grandpas having a go at each other with every remark. Example: Mum is rushing an assignment, Dad spouts some stupid line "need to cook dinner now" when he KNOWINGLY understands that she has an assignment due in like a day. Obviously mum is enranged and doesn't really feel like it. OK, so Dad got his act together and started preparing dinner his way - chinese dimsums and buns (ok i'm not complaining if anyone was wondering). Later on they dispute about WHY the buns are deformed, or that they did not come out well. Mum just RANDOMLY shouts out "oh because your dad doesn't know to clean the pot after steaming the first set of buns". Bro asks "what do you mean by that?" then dad just snaps in going "that's your mum, she can never express herself normally". This is just INFURIATING me... WHY CAN'T YOU ALL STOP FUSSING OVER SUCH LITTLE THINGS AND USE IT AS AN EXCUSE TO FEEL BETTER BY PUTTING DOWN THE OTHER PARTY?

It's so awful to see that they are exchanging insults at each other's ability even though it's completely irrelevant to the subject matter or issue at hand. They should be more objective about these things and focus on the issue, not the person. I notice my brother doing that sometimes as well. I'm actually not sure if I commit these kinds of miniature atrocities in my daily life too. Please tell me off if I do, it will definitely make me feel better.

CONCLUSION

F: I have certainly tried to structure this rant properly by brainstorming my ideas in one liners first then expanding on each point. Grouped the relevant ones together to make sure everything flowed through nicely. I hope today's rant brought some value to your life (I would feel absolutely guilty and sinful if I was to have wasted your time). It is now 3AM and I simple couldn't sleep. I hope these issues will resolve themselves later. Or I just probably will have to learn to cope with them as a part of me, even though I really and strongly want to believe that I can mold myself into what I see is a good person.