Fearing for the future...

This morning when the Sun rose, it felt warm and full of life. As I glanced over its azure-ness, the sky seemed to be smiling at me. I hummed with a delighted and musical mood, while driving my short and simple car (much like what I think I am) into the distance. On the way to Monash, my brain started to converse with myself.. $5.50 for a parking ticket... or break my promise to never abuse the carpool? I was in a big fight with myself... I did not want to conform with the people who are cheating the system... yet I felt that my continuous efforts to maintain a clean record was unnoticed... because actually I was not the only one who would be so stubbornly law-abiding and rule-following.

...Then I found out I was at uni one hour too early. Which was kind of stupid... tried to help a friend fix their computer but system restore would not work... (subtract self belief) and then later met up with the friend again to hear that someone had fixed it by just deleting the files from the desktop... I felt inferior. I could not help a friend with such a simple task. Possibly it was out of my knowledge or capacity to solve the issue, but the fact that I tried and no results were happening was demoralizing.

Throughout the day, I began to think about a lot of things. Passing by some of the large trees within Monash Clayton brought me some peace and tranquility.. then a thought passed through my mind - I really wouldn't mind standing in the presence of a warm sun and gentle breeze and gaze eternally at the leaves rustling on the trees. Maybe I should go and become a hermit?

Life feels rather bland... despite being really busy with commitments and such, there is just this emptiness from within... that I cannot explain. University life feels like it's simply going day in day out, ultimately achieving nothing other than a silly certificate. Being left alone during a long break, I bought a bottle of Assam milk tea and drank it slowly while sitting in that lecture hall. I suddenly felt really tired... and sleepy.. yet it wasn't comfortable enough for me to sleep while other people were there. I must've been paranoid really. I thought I would've felt really delighted when some friends turned up to the lecture at last, but turns out the muscles of my face were just stiffened but some unknown syndrome.

From some conversations I had with a good friend, I've come to find out new changes to myself. I never really saw myself as attention seeking and totally immodest. It came as quite a great shock to me when that happened. "False modesty"... all the goodness that I saw within myself was totally destroyed in the blink of an eye. I no longer had anything to be proud of... I felt useless, and as much as everyone would probably agree, fakeness or falseness in character is terribly despised. As a result I have to admit some of these things that people say about me... because I couldn't prove them back that I wasn't as they said.

Somehow I feel afraid now, what if, sometime along the future, the real me was a totally horrible being? Feeling the obligation to believe that i'm an attention seeker doesn't really help me at all. When I look at myself now, I feel really heavy in the heart because I did not get this "attention" that I wanted. And so begins the downward spiral... to nothingness.

I can't really say life is uneventful, because I'm being really busy and there are a lot of things still bombarding me... But I am starting to feel bored, disinterested and tired of the happenings in life. "Why can't I do this? Why can't I do that?" - such questions will drill at the back of my head till I end up feeling sombre. What is it that drives me? Compliments? Pity from others? I can't understand anymore. Everything feels like a chore... The more my life continues, the less I seem to remember. Am I living in the past? I understand what has been done is done, but I am still living in the past... hoping to go back there... Why is it that life only seems to get worse and worse with commitments, work, obligations, issues and my remaining effort seems to be less and less?

My brother had said this other thing too... I seem to be lucky about a lot of little things... whereas he would be unlucky such as getting parking fines and train ticket fines. But he said that when it comes down to the important things of life, he is lucky then... whereas I'm probably not. The suddeny thought and notion of that drove my confidence further... Does that mean I'm doomed for the important things of my life? But what is truly important anyways? I'm sorry that I've totally lost direction...

I really don't know what to say or do... I feel that I can only express whatever is going through my mind here... possibly once again demanding attention... So I would like to apologize in advance if anyone does end up feeling obliged to comment. I don't know how many loyal readers are out there... Please don't be surprised if I end up becomming a zombie sooner or later.